Blog Personal Growth

013: What are Your Core Values (And Why They Matter?)

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what are your core values

Your core values are the things that you believe are most important in life. Of course, your core values may change over time. As you grow and change, so will your priorities. That’s okay! It’s natural for your values to evolve as you experience new things and learn more about yourself. The important thing is to stay true to your values, even when they’re challenged.

Core values guide your decisions, shape your relationships, and affect how you live each day. But what exactly are they, and why do they matter? 

In this blog post, we’ll explore what values are, why they’re so important, and how you can identify your own. By the end of reading this, you’ll have a better understanding of what matters most to you – and be well on your way to living a more fulfilling life as a result. So let’s get started!

What are values and how are they formed?

Values are a set of principles that guide our decisions and actions. They provide a framework for making choices that reflect our priorities and goals in life. They can be anything from honesty and integrity to compassion and love. Values are important because they help us to stay true to ourselves and our beliefs.

Our values are formed over time as we experience different things and learn more about the world. Family, friends, culture, and religion all play a role in shaping our values. Some core values may be instilled in you at an early age, while others may emerge as you experience new things and learn more about yourself. As we grow older, we may also develop new values that reflect our changing priorities and beliefs. Regardless of how they’re formed, values play a major role in guiding your decisions, shaping your relationships, and affecting how you live each day.

It’s important to remember that values are personal. What may be important to you may not be important to someone else. There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to  your values – only what matters to you.


How do you identify or change your core values?

There are a few different ways to determine your core values.

  1. One way is to ask yourself what’s important to you in life. What matters most to you? What are your priorities? What do you want to achieve in life? Once you have a list of answers, you can start to identify which values are most important to you.
  2. Another way to determine your core values is to think about the times when you feel most fulfilled in life. What are you doing when you feel this way? What are you involved in? What are your passions? Once you have a list of answers, you can start to identify which values are most important to you.
  3. Finally, you can also ask the people close to you what they think your core values are. They may be able to provide a different perspective on what’s important to you.

Once you have a list of core values, it’s important to remember them and stay true to them. When life gets tough and you’re faced with a difficult decision, ask yourself how your core values can guide you. If your core values are honesty and integrity, for example, then you may want to consider whether or not lying is the right thing to do. Staying true to your core values can help you make tough decisions, stay on track, and live a more fulfilling life.


Values to look for in a partner

Values are important in choosing a partner because they can help to ensure that you have a compatible long-term relationship. Some of the values that you may want to look for include: kindness, honesty, respect, and communication.

If you share similar core values with your partner, you’re likely to have a strong and lasting relationship. That’s because core values are the foundation upon which you build your life together. They represent what’s most important to you both, and they guide your decisions and actions.

If you’re not sure what your core values are, take some time to think about them. What are the most important things to you in life? What do you want to achieve? Once you have a good understanding of your core values, make sure to look for them in potential partners. And be prepared to explain why they matter to you. After all, sharing your core values is one of the best ways to start a meaningful conversation with someone new!


How can you tell if you’re living in line with your core values?

There are a few ways to tell if you’re living in line with your core values.

  1. One way is to ask yourself if the decisions you’re making reflect your priorities and goals in life. Are you staying true to what’s important to you? Are you living in accordance with your core values?
  2. Another way to tell if you’re living in line with your values is to think about how you feel when you make a decision. Do you feel good about the choice you’ve made? Do you feel like you’re living in accordance with your values?
  3. You can also ask the people close to you if they think you’re living in line with your values. They may be able to provide a different perspective on your choices and help you to see if you’re living in accordance with your values.

What are the benefits of living a life that’s in line with your core values?

There are many benefits of living a life that’s in line with your core values but we will touch on just a few of them.

When you’re making decisions based on your core values, you’re more likely to feel good about the choice you’ve made. You’ll be in accordance with what’s important to you and you’ll feel like you’re living a fulfilling life.

Living in line with your values can help you stay on track when life gets tough. If you have a difficult decision to make, core values can provide a framework for making the right choice.

If you live by your values, you’ll find that life is more fulfilling and satisfying. You’ll have a clear sense of what’s important to you and you’ll be more likely to make decisions based on those values. This can lead to a lot of happiness and satisfaction.

When you live in line with your core values, the people close to you will see that you’re living a values-based life. They may be more likely to respect you and look up to you as a result.


How can you make changes to better reflect your core values in your life and work?

There are a few ways that you can make changes to better reflect your core values in your life and work.

One way is to create a list of core values and carry it with you wherever you go. When you’re faced with a difficult decision, refer to your values list to help you make the right choice. a helpful way is by writing it in your notes app or creating a cool screen saver with an editor like canva. 

I find that pausing before reacting to situations is a great way of giving me a chance to reflect and decide if I’m going on a knee jerk reaction that may or may not be based on my values. I can process and evaluate then decide what my response or reaction should be and it can come from a place that is based on my values. This has to be intentional and only works when you stay calm.

Another way to better reflect your core values in your life and work is to make a commitment to living in line with them. Decide that you’re going to live each day based on your core values and see how it impacts your life.

Finally, you can also talk to the people close to you about your values and ask for their feedback. They may be able to provide a different perspective on how you’re living in line with your values and offer suggestions on how you can make changes.

Are you getting an idea of what your core values are?


What would happen if you didn’t live by your core values anymore – or if you never even identified them in the first place?

You would feel lost and directionless. Without core values to guide you, you would be wandering through life without a clear purpose. You would make decisions based on whim and not on what’s important to you. You would be living a life that’s not in line with your priorities and goals and likely feel like something is missing from your life. This can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

You would be more likely to make impulsive and harmful decisions. If you’re not living in line with your core values, you’ll be more likely to make choices that are based on short-term gratification rather than long term fulfilment. This can lead to harmful consequences in your life.

When you’re living in accordance with your core values, you’re more likely to feel happy and fulfilled because you’re doing what’s important to you.

The people who are closest to you will have less respect for your decisions if they do not match up with what’s important in life. A key factor in this is if your actions and word don’t align.

So, what are your core values? Take some time to think about it and see if you can come up with a list of 5 core values that are important to you. Once you have them, start living in line with them! You may be surprised at how much better life feels when you’re living in accordance with your core values.


When values and ethics conflict

When values and ethics conflict, it can be difficult to know what to do. In some cases, it may be necessary to choose between your values and your ethics. For example, if you have strong values about honesty, but you are asked to lie in order to protect someone else, you may need to decide which is more important to you.

In other cases, it may be possible to find a middle ground that allows you to uphold both your values and your ethics. For example, if you have strong values about environmentalism, but you also need to make a profit in your business, you may choose to recycle or use environmentally-friendly products.

No matter what happens, it’s important to stay true to yourself. If you find that you can’t uphold your values and your ethics, it may be time to reevaluate them. After all, your core values are the foundation of who you are!


How has following your core values led to success and happiness in your life thus far?

Once I identified the key values that I wanted to see in others but I also wanted to model day in and day out, I knew that it would be a daily battle to push to be a better version of myself. Nobody said it would be easy to be better, But it is definitely worth it. I don’t feel that crushing guilt when I go against the things I stand for. I don’t feel like a hypocrite when I say one thing yet do something different. I know that more often than not, I say what I mean and mean what I say and my actions are following my words.

There will always be times where I regress but overall…I believe I wake up every day intentionally working towards staying within the scope of the core values that I have drawn up for myself. And with that in mind, I have peace of mind, I am not people pleasing and I am happier than ever. My boundary lines are now more and more in pleasant places.



 In order to live a life that is fulfilling and in line with our authentic selves, it’s important to know what our core values are. Once we have identified our core values, the next step is to make changes in our lives so that we can better reflect these values. And finally, it’s essential to stay true to our core values when challenges arise (which they inevitably will).

By following these simple steps, you too can live a life that is aligned with your most deeply-held beliefs and principles. And if you ever find yourself feeling lost or off track, remember that you can always make changes to better reflect your true self.

We hope you join us on our email hangout where we discuss this topic further as well as other things self awareness! We would love to hear about your experiences living by your core values – good or bad! In the meantime, please share with us in the comments below how following your core values have led to success in your own life!



Blog success

The Hustle of Becoming a Chef with Chef Imoteda

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chef Imoteda

Hi and welcome back to Lolly’s Secrets Podcast!

In this episode, we chat with Chef Imoteda and discuss her journey to becoming a successful private chef and restaurant consultant.

She throws us some major nuggets on things you should put in place when starting a business as a chef.

Talks about peers and mentors that inspire her like Chef Fregz, Chef Massing Bottura and Chef Grant Achatz.

We get some exciting recipes.

We learn ways of overcoming challenges with clients.

If you want to connect with Chet Imoteda, her social handles are as follows:

Instagram: @Imoteda

Twitter: @Imoteda

Also feel free to connect with me on Instagram: @lollys.secrets

Blog Relationships

The Truth About Intimacy In A Relationship (And How To Improve It)

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The Truth About Intimacy In A Relationship (And How To Improve It)

Intimacy is key in any relationship. It’s what makes us feel close to our partner, and it’s essential for maintaining a healthy connection. Unfortunately, many couples find themselves struggling in this area. They may not even know where to start when it comes to improving their intimacy. If that’s the case for you, don’t worry – you’re not alone! This blog post is designed to help guide you on how to have better intimacy in your relationship.

What is intimacy in a relationship?

Intimacy in a relationship can be defined as a closeness or feeling of being close to someone. It involves sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with your partner, and it allows you to connect in a very deep way. Intimacy is not just physical – it’s emotional and mental as well.

Where does intimacy start?

Intimacy starts from being vulnerable and open with your partner. It’s about sharing your thoughts and feelings and being willing to trust them with your innermost self. It’s a two-way street, so you have to be willing in order for things to start happening between the both of you! This can be difficult for some people, but it’s definitely worth the effort. The truth is, if your partner truly loves you, they will want to know everything about you – the good, the bad and the ugly!

Once you understand what intimacy is and where it comes from, you can start to build it into your relationship.

When intimacy starts to fade in a relationship, it can feel devastating…but the good news is that there are simple ways you can build intimacy in a relationship.

Ways to achieve intimacy in a relationship

There are many different ways to achieve intimacy in a relationship. Here are a few of the most common ones:

1. Communication

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship. When you can openly talk to your partner about anything and everything, it builds intimacy between you. Communication doesn’t just mean talking – it also includes listening to your partner and understanding what they mean even when they are not saying the right words.

Show interest in their hobbies and activities

Find out what their hobby or activity of choice is, and then ask them about it. It’s important to show interest in things they enjoy talking about so make sure you really listen when your partner starts telling the story behind that particular pastime!

Don’t just pay attention to what they are saying, but also how they are speaking.

Keep an eye on their body language as well. our non verbal communication tells us more than just words could!. if there are any signs that your partner might be getting frustrated or bored while we speak (for example by occasionally looking away), do something surprising such as asking a question about something totally unrelated before drawing attention back to yourself again

Don’t be judgmental or dismissive, even if you don’t agree with them.

It’s important to remember that we all have different beliefs and ideas, even if they may seem strange or wrong. Try to understand your partner’s perspective on things. in other words…meet them where they are.

2. Shared Experiences

Shared experiences are another great way to build intimacy in a relationship. When you do something together that neither of you has done before, it creates a special bond between you. Experiences can be big or small – it doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you share them together.

Spend time alone together

Make time for each other! Schedule regular date nights and weekend getaways to really focus on your relationship. and be intentional about it. wear something cute, do your hair nice, spray some perfume. get yourself excited for it like a real date. the more excited you are, the more intimate the date will feel. You will be recreating those butterflies from the dating days. Alternatively, it could be as simple as going for a walk, cooking, having dinner, or watching a movie.

Be happy for your partner when they succeed

Sometimes resentment and jealousy get in the way of intimacy. Be happy for your partner when they succeed. If you’re feeling resentful or jealous of your partner, it can be tough to build intimacy. These negative emotions can get in the way of communication and ultimately destroy trust. If you ever find yourself feeling this way, try to let go of the resentment and jealousy. Be happy for your partner when they succeed, no matter what you’re feeling inside. You will have a stronger relationship and feel more intimate with each other.

3. Physical Touch

Physical touch is another very important way to build intimacy in a relationship. Human beings are tactile creatures, and we need physical contact to feel connected to others. Touch can be anything from a hug to a ki$$, and it can play a huge role in reinforcing the emotional connection between you and your partner.

Touch each other more often 

Touch has a soothing effect that can be very beneficial for your relationships. Hugging and holding hands is an excellent way to provide comfort and show love in our everyday lives. You may often see people use these tactics when they want their significant other feel better or just need some cuddles from them (depending on what type). Massaging each other’s shoulders gives off great energy too-and doesn’t require much effort at all so give this one ago tomorrow night if possible ;)Touching each other more often can help to strengthen the emotional connection between you and your partner.

4. Vunerable Conversation

This involves talking about things that are personal to you – your hopes, fears, dreams, etc. When you share these intimate details with your partner, it creates a deep bond between you.

Talk openly about your needs and desires

If you want a more intimate relationship, you need to be open and honest about what you need and want. Don’t keep them bottled up – share them with your partner! When you can talk openly about your needs and desires with your partner, it shows that you trust them as you’re sharing something very personal with them. Even if you’re afraid of being rejected or laughed at. When you share your vulnerabilities with your partner, it shows that you trust them implicitly and that you have faith in the relationship.

When it comes to intimacy, it can be hard to voice what we want. When you’re in a relationship, We may feel as though our partner already knows everything. they don’t! If something’s been bothering or troubling lately, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Chances are, your partner wants the same things that you do. If you’re not sure what it is that you want, talk to your partner about it. They’ll be more than happy to help make your desires a reality. And who knows – you might even find out that you both want the same thing! They’ll be more than happy to help listen and support you.

Being honest with your partner is key to having a healthy, intimate relationship. It can be difficult to be honest about certain things, but it’s important to do so. When you’re able to be truthful with each other, it builds trust and strengthens the relationship. It can also help you resolve disagreements in a more constructive way.

What are some common intimacy issues?

Lack of Trust

Lack of trust can be caused by a number of things, including past hurts and betrayals. If you don’t feel like you can trust your partner with your emotions or your body, it can be difficult to have an intimate relationship with them.

Feeling unworthy or undeserving of love can also lead to a lack of trust in intimacy. If you don’t believe that you’re worthy of love, it can be difficult to trust your partner when they say they love you.

Feeling like you can’t trust your partner can lead to a lot of tension and conflict in the relationship.

Trust is essential for any healthy relationship – without it, there’s little chance for intimacy to grow.

Fear of Intimacy

Fear of intimacy can be caused by a number of things, including a fear of being hurt or rejected. If you’re afraid of being close to someone, it can be difficult to have an intimate relationship with them. Especially if you have been hurt or betrayed in the past. Who has broken up with some out of fear of being hurt first? I know I have! Or you have a sensitive topic to address and you are afraid of your partner’s reaction.

Not Feeling Desired

One common intimacy issue that many couples face is the feeling that one person is not desired. This can be caused by a number of things, such as feeling unattractive, feeling like you’re not good enough for your partner, or feeling like you’re not meeting your partner’s needs.

When you don’t feel desired by your partner, it can be difficult to feel intimate with them. You may feel as though you’re not good enough or that you’re not worth their time. This can lead to a lot of resentment and conflict in the relationship.

If you’re feeling this way, talk to your partner about it. Let them know how you’re feeling and see if they can help make you feel more desired. Chances are, they want to make you feel loved and desired. They just may not know how to do it.

These are just a few of the common intimacy issues that couples face. If you’re experiencing any of these issues, don’t hesitate to talk to your partner about it. They’ll be more than happy to listen and help resolve the issue.

How to overcome intimacy issues

Understand what intimacy means to you

Intimacy can mean different things to different people. It’s important to understand what intimacy means to you and your partner. This way, you can work together to create a deeply intimate relationship that meets both of your needs.

Some people may view intimacy as being physically close to their partner, while others may see it as being emotionally close. You and your partner need to talk about what intimacy means to you both. You should both be on the same page so that you know what each of you expects from the relationship.

Be open and honest

Build trust.

Trust can be rebuilt if it’s been damaged, but it takes time and effort.

Trust should never be taken for granted – it needs to be earned and maintained.

If you’re not comfortable talking about something, try to find a way that won’t lead to an argument.

If you’re struggling with trust issues, it’s important to talk to your partner about them and try to find a way to overcome them. Make sure you are as open and honest with your partner as possible.

Ultimately, both partners need to be willing to work on rebuilding trust for the relationship to improve.

With time and effort, most couples can learn to trust each other again and enjoy a deeply intimate relationship.

Get Professional Help

If you’re struggling with intimacy issues, it’s best to seek professional help from a coach, therapist or counsellor. They can help you understand and overcome the issues that are preventing you from having a deep, intimate relationship.

Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. If you’re struggling with intimacy issues, don’t hesitate to seek help from a professional.


Remember, be patient. overcoming intimacy issues takes time and effort. It won’t happen overnight. But with patience and hard work, you can overcome any obstacle in your way. If you’re not patient, you’re likely to get frustrated and give up. This will only lead to more problems in the relationship.

communicate during disagreements

Disagreements are bound to happen in any relationship, but it’s how you handle them that matters. Remember…communication is key! Cliche…I know! But…When you can communicate effectively AND calmly during a disagreement, it shows that you’re willing to work through things together. It also helps to clear the air and can make it easier to move on from the disagreement. And the best thing about being able to resolve a disagreement is that you can have makeup afterwards!

when communicating during a disagreement… I want you to take 7 things into consideration:

1. Don’t take things too personally

When you’re in the moment, it can be hard to remember that what you are feeling is temporary. But remember this: everyone has their own opinion and there’s no way of knowing whether yours would have been different had they known any information other than just your experience with a situation or personality. So don’t let little mistakes ruin great relationships, and try to remain kind even if they aren’t

2. Stay calm and collected

When, in the history of ever, has someone saying “calm down” ever made you calm down…like seriously?!! what I know is taking a deep breath and counting down from five and if that doesn’t work then counting down from ten and if that doesn’t work…then taking a time out to calm down is required. It’s important to stay calm and keep your composure so that you can resolve your disagreement otherwise you’ll say or do something in the heat of the moment that you may regret.

3. Use “I” statements

Use “I” statements to show that you are aware of your own limitations and need for improvement.

The general rule is not to use the word ‘you’ when making a statement about what someone else has done or does. An example of this type of statement would be:

“Although I understand that you may be feeling a certain way, I need you to understand that I am not comfortable with xyz happening”.

This allows people to find common ground in their understanding so they can explore new paths together.

4. Be clear and concise

When you’re communicating during a disagreement, stay clear and concise. Make sure your message is not mixed up in all the drama by being careful about what words come out of each side of Your mouth! an example would be “I don’t like it when we speak in raised voices.”

5. Avoid accusatory statements

Using “you always” or “you never” are trigger statements and a sure way to start an argument. These types of accusatory statements are not only ineffective but can also be damaging to the relationship. They are also damaging towards building bridges between two people who care deeply for one another.

6. Give the other person time to cool down

Acknowledge your feelings and the other person’s feelings, then give them some time to cool down. If you’re the one who needs time to cool down, then let the other person know that you’ll need a little time and that you’ll get back to them.

It’s important to remember that just because the other person is upset, doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. Sometimes people need time to cool down before they’re able to talk about an issue calmly and effectively.

7. Understanding your role in the situation can help you take actions that improve the situation.

Increasing your self awareness of your own role in the situation can help you to develop empathy for the other person and also help you to take actions that improve the situation. When you become more aware of your own role in the situation, it can help to develop empathy for that person and take actions that can improve things.

You can increase your self awareness of your role in a disagreement by taking time to reflect on your own actions and thoughts during the disagreement. This can help you to understand why you reacted the way you did, and how you can react differently in the future. Additionally, talking to a trusted friend or therapist about the disagreement can also help you to understand your role in it. Paying attention to your emotions can also help you to understand how you’re feeling during a disagreement and how that might be affecting the situation. You can do this by keeping a journal and seeing if there is a pattern to which can help with understanding things better.

When you’re in a disagreement with someone, it can be easy to forget that the person on the other side is just that- a person. And just like you, they have feelings, needs, and a story. By taking the time to consider these seven things before communicating with the other person, you’re setting the foundation for a more productive and positive discussion. And who knows, maybe you’ll even learn something about yourself in the process


Intimacy is a vital part of any relationship, whether it be with a spouse, partner, or friend. However, intimacy can be difficult to achieve and maintain. By following our tips and advice, you can work to create an intimate relationship that lasts. Join us for our next email hangout where we will continue the discussion on intimacy in relationships! Grab your FREE Journal to help you with your self growth journey and don’t forget to subscribe to our podcast for more great content like this.


Blog Personal Growth

Why Self Love Is So Important (And How To Cultivate It)

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why self love is so important


Self-love is becoming a buzzword. What self love actually looks like, however, is more difficult to define. I want us to look at why self love us so important and how to cultivate it in our lives.

What is Self Love?

Self love is the practice of valuing oneself and one’s own opinions and feelings. It usually requires being gentle and understanding with oneself, particularly during difficult times. Self love can help you feel more connected to yourself. People who practise self love may also be more likely to take care of their physical health and have healthier relationships.

What Self Love Does Not Look Like?

Many have labelled self care activities that range from bubble baths to deep tissue massage as self-love. Meditation and journaling (which are great activities)have also been mislabeled as self-love when in reality these are simply self-care activities. Loving yourself includes things like cooking for yourself when you know your eating habits need work; it includes getting out of bed on days you want to stay in because the world will be there tomorrow, and it definitely includes saying no when something doesn’t feel right.

Self love does not look like self-indulgence. You can self-love while you’re doing self-care activities but if self care is the only thing you’re about, self love isn’t what you are cultivating. Really loving yourself well involves being able to give yourself tough love too at times.

How Can You Cultivate Self Love?

1) Self Love Starts With Action

Just like self care requires some sort of action to show self-love, it involves steps you can actually take to figure out how to be the best version of yourself possible.  It’s more about being proactive than letting things happen without taking charge.

One of the best self love ideas out there is that self love starts with self respect and self-respect often requires self care. It is also about knowing yourself.

Self love means knowing your motivations, desires, fears, and everything in between – it means understanding why you do what you do even if some of those reasons aren’t very pretty.  It is about accepting yourself for all your weird little flaws not because they’re good, but because they make you who you are.

Self love is self respect and self-care because you have to be your own number one fan in order for anyone else to see how amazing you are.

In order to have self-love, those around you must have self-respect. This means being kind to yourself, which in turn means not putting up with other people disrespecting you.

Self love is about standing up for yourself and others like you, not because it’s popular but because it’s right.

2) Be Your Friend

We all deserve to be treated well and it’s important that we recognize this in ourselves as much or more so than those around us. When you are constantly putting up with your own crap, while expecting the worst from other people without even giving them a chance; how will they ever learn? It can seem like an overwhelming task at times but there is hope – by changing our mindset towards self-improvement (and yes I’m talking about YOU), things may start going better both professionally AND personally! When I say self love is like self care, it’s sort of like self care in the sense that if you were taking care of a friend, wouldn’t you bring them a bowl of soup when they were sick?  Wouldn’t you console them if they had a bad break up?

It’s time to be your own best friend to be honest (and not in an indulgent way). As cheesy as it sounds, try looking into the mirror and speaking in positive terms about yourself often. And never forget how strong, smart, creative, funny, loving, and resilient you are…you deserve self love.

Self love means being yourself, being your own biggest fan that cheers you on all the way!

Self-love is not selfish. When you honour your own needs—physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.—you are much better equipped to handle life’s challenges from day to day with patience rather than resentment or anger. You’re also more likely going about things from a place of compassion which will draw others close to you as opposed to pushing them away.

3) Accept Yourself For Who You Are

This might be the most self-explanatory self love idea on this list but it’s one of the most important self love ideas out there. Being who you really want to be and not caring too much about what people think about you. It’s ok if everyone doesn’t like you always, and self love comes from accepting that reality and living your life anyway. Accepting yourself is what keeps self-hate from taking over…  Self love is possible when you accept yourself. The more you can accept who you are, good and bad, the more successful you will be in life. This is because self love means being kind to yourself even when things are not perfect. But at least it’s not completely crappy either.

Self love isn’t just about loving your body or your abilities but also loving your mind for all its little quirks and mistakes. If the next time you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself, try changing it to something more positive instead. It will take time getting used to this new train of thought so try not to get frustrated when your old thoughts creep up on you. They might be sneaky, but they won’t last forever.

One of the best ways to cultivate self acceptance is by accepting others as they are too.  It’s a two-way street and it really can be as simple as looking at everyone you meet as a reflection of who you are – if someone makes a mistake or screws up, that’s got nothing to do with you but chances are that person might very well have a part in how you view yourself.

4) Have The Right Mindset About Change

By looking at everything with an open mind and accepting that bad things happen to everyone sometimes, keep in mind the power of positive thinking and your higher power! You are not the only factor at play so don’t let negative vibes get in the way of life. It’s important to stay positive for your mental health and trust in your higher power by keeping the faith.

Self love means having a healthy perspective on life and a flexible mindset when it comes to making changes- if something doesn’t make you happy, try changing it because remember: you deserve happiness. Don’t get stuck between a rock and a hard place

If something isn’t working, don’t keep beating yourself up over it.  Self love means knowing that making mistakes will happen and that change isn’t always easy but it’s important to be patient with yourself.  Give yourself time to learn new things and enjoy the process of self improvement. One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to step outside your comfort zone every now and then because this will help you become a stronger, better person in the long run.  You might slip up every once in a while, but it’s important to be forgiving of yourself.

5) Be Proud of Who You Are And What You’ve Accomplished

Pride is a lovely, underrated place in self love.  Being proud of everything you’ve done – the good choices and the bad ones, the bad days and the better days, all that stuff matters because it’s your life.  You don’t have to be ashamed of anything ever again! So if there’s something from your past that makes you feel guilty or embarrassed when it pops up in your head, try changing the words around in your brain to something positive rather than negative because positive plus positive equals awesome.

Self love is self care but self care isn’t always easy.  Sure, it’s easier to be down on yourself and think of only the negative things you might have done, but if you can flip that around and look at all that your past experiences (good and bad) taught you then suddenly all those crappy memories become learning experiences that made you into the person you are today.

6) Live Your Own Life And Don’t Live Someone Else’s Dream For Them

You are not obligated to live anyone else’s dream for them.  If you want your life to look different than it does now, make those changes happen! If you want to live your dream (or even if it’s your half-baked idea), then start taking steps towards making that happen.  It might be scary, but actually doing something about what you feel will set you up for success. The self doubt will be a constant companion if you don’t take the initiative and do something about it. In fact, doing anything at all is better than not taking any action whatsoever!

Self love is not the same as codependency. Codependent relationships are unhealthy and self-love requires you to take steps towards making your life better no matter what, even if it means doing things that make us feel uncomfortable in order for us to be happy with ourselves because only someone who loves themselves could truly provide this type of support.

The best way I’ve found how my own happiness can come first before anything else has been by focusing on myself without hesitation when there’s conflict between others around me

Self love looks like learning to be comfortable with being alone and spending time by yourself because there is no one else who understands you like yourself.

7) Be Okay With Not Being Okay Sometimes

Self love means knowing that it’s okay to not always be okay.  It also doesn’t mean never feeling the lows because feeling the lows are an important part of life, too! Sometimes the lows aren’t a failure on your part, but a reality of life – even if it’s one you don’t want to face.

Self love is self-confidence because self-confidence comes from being able to accept yourself for who you are – it also means being able to accept that you’re not always going to be at the top of your game, but that’s okay.

8) Be Resilient

One of the most important things to cultivate when it comes to self-love is resilience. This means that you’re able to face and overcome difficult times in your life. It’s important to have this quality because, inevitably, low times will come. When they do, you need to be able to pick yourself up and keep moving forward.

There are a few things you can do to cultivate resilience and help it grow in your life. First, identify your strengths and focus on them. This will help you build your resilience muscle and make you feel more capable of overcoming difficult times. Secondly, practice self-compassion. This means being kind and understanding towards yourself when things go wrong. Accept that you’re human and that you’ll make mistakes. Know that as long as you’re working towards your goals and doing your best, you’ll be fine. Lastly, exercise regularly. This will help keep your mind healthy and prevent problems such as depression or anxiety from coming up unexpectedly.

When things go wrong, the most important thing you can do is take a step back and breathe. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up and don’t beat yourself up over it. Rather than dwelling on things, let them go and begin working on a solution. It may take some time, but eventually you’ll move past the difficult part and be even stronger because of it!

9) It’s Okay To Need Help From Other People Sometimes

Self love is self-sufficiency because it isn’t weak to know when you need help, and sometimes asking for assistance isn’t a reflection on you as a person – it’s just what we need to do sometimes.  You can be self-sufficient and still know when asking for help is appropriate so long as you continue to work towards independence, too.

Self love looks like accepting that it’s okay to need assistance from other people sometimes because everyone needs a helping hand from time to time, and that’s okay.

How Self Love Changes Your Life

Self love isn’t always about feeling good about who you are – it’s also about self-esteem and taking pride in who you are so that part of your happiness doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else but rather everything to do with how proud you are of yourself.

When you love yourself, you’re more likely to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. You become more patient and accepting of yourself and others, and you’re better able to navigate through life’s challenges. Your relationships also improve because you’re able to give and receive love in a healthy way. When you learn how to love yourself unconditionally, it opens up the door for more happiness and contentment in your life.

You become more disciplined and can better follow through with your goals. You’re less likely to give up on yourself or make excuses for why you can’t do something, and you’re able to set boundaries and make changes. You can also better bounce back from life’s problems and challenges because, when you love yourself, you realize that you can handle anything that comes your way.

When you learn to love yourself, the people around you — whether it’s your partner, friends or family members — also benefit because it allows you to connect with others on a deeper level and form more meaningful and stronger relationships. Self-love benefits others by allowing you to open up and be your best, most authentic self. You’re also able to be a better friend, partner and family member because you’re more patient and understanding of other people. You can also be a better listener and less judgmental.

Self love is also about being able to handle problems and challenges better because you don’t see them as a threat. If something bad happens, you’re able to deal with it because you have the same mindset as when something good happens — it doesn’t change your overall happiness or self-worth.

Self-love is the foundation of everything. It’s what allows you to be your best, happiest self and brings joy into life

You are the only person who can make yourself happy. It’s important that you love and care for your own wellbeing, because it will show in everything we do as long as there’s a positive attitude towards life!

And if there’s anything that will make our world better then please let it start here with us giving ourselves just one kind word or gesture each day 🙂


That was a lot of information! If you’re feeling fired up and ready to start cultivating self love in your own life, we’ve got some great resources for you. First, subscribe to our podcast and email hangout. We send out content weekly on self growth that helps you on your journey to becoming a better version of yourself. Secondly,  This guide on overcoming negaive self talk will show you how to overcome your negative self talk for good. You’ll learn how to identify the thoughts that are holding you back, and how to stop them from sabotaging your happiness and success. Give yourself time and space to grow into the person you want to be. Celebrate each accomplishment along the way, however small. Keep moving forward and do your best!

Chat soon!


Blog Relationships

The Journey of Becoming a Sex and Intimacy Coach

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Hi and Welcome back to Lolly’s Secrets Podcast!

In this episode, I interview Cecilia Agu, a sex and intimacy coach who has a motto that “Orgasm is important”!

Some key takeaways for relationships:

1. Be with your friend

2. Have a support system

3. Make sure your relationship is a partnership

Listen till the end for 3 sex tips and a bonus!

If you want to know more about Cecilia Agu and connect with her, please see her details below:

Instagram: @bedroommatters


Connect with me on Instagram @lollys.secrets


Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast and share it with friends!

Blog Personal Growth

008: Why Friends and Family Don’t Support Your Business

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Woman sad to feel left out- why friends and family dont support your business

Is it jealousy? Is it spite? Or is it just that they just don’t like what you’re selling? Well, let’s find out on this episode of Lolly’s Secrets Podcast where we discuss why friends and family don’t support your business.

 Hi, and welcome to lolly secret, a place where we work towards becoming a better version of ourselves by aligning expectations with reality, with a key focus on our self-development journey.

So today’s topic is a tricky one because I know that some of us who have started some new product or service that we’ve decided to tackle, we’ve decided that this journey is something exciting that we want to explore. It may be a hobby that we’ve converted into a business or something that we’re trying to see if it’s a good fit for us. Or it’s something that we’ve had our heart set on as a new career that we are trying to take on. Whichever way you look at it, sometimes people feel that our friends and family are just not as supportive as we would like. 

it is important to know and this is something that one of my cousins has told me before, first and foremost feelings are not facts. Now I know it’s difficult to take on board, but it’s the truth. Feelings are not facts.

That doesn’t mean that you cannot feel upset and it doesn’t mean that these things might not be the case that you’re not actually being supported. So let’s dive in and look at some of the situations where you may or may not be supported. 

feelings are not facts quote- why friends and family dont support your business

Whether it’s a myth, or it’s not a myth in the situation that you’re in. We will look at some things to take into consideration when you have a business or a hobby or something that you’re really excited about, and you don’t feel the support that you think you should have in the stage of the business, or the endeavour that you’re in.

you are Forcefully Projecting your Feelings

The first thing is that sometimes I feel that when we have a new venture that we’re interested in, we open it up to our friends and family and we say this is what we’re doing. You find that it’s anticlimactic and you’re wondering why everyone’s tepid with their responses. I know! Like why are they not as excited for me as I am?! 

Well, many reasons, right? First of all, it’s happening to you not them so they’re not going to be as excited as you are about it. But we believe that they should be as excited as we are. The thing is, it’s not happening to them, it’s happening to us.

We sometimes need to step outside our bodies and understand that because it’s not happening to them, they haven’t gone through the same process as us. We are the only ones who know what we went through and who fully understand all the hard work that went into it, all the processes, and all the sleepless nights.

You’re the only one who fully gets it and even if they’ve also gone through the processes of their own development of their businesses it’s not the same so you’re the only one who could fully appreciate your business and the excitement of it so you really cannot punish them for not being as excited as you are. Then again…maybe you need to reevaluate your support system.

friends and family are Not Your Target Client

Sometimes when you wonder to yourself okay… even if they’re not excited for you, why are they not patronizing my business to at least show support right? For example, they might not be as excited about let’s say you opening a cake business but at least buy a cake!

Not many are excited about baking but your daughter is turning one or you know your sister’s birthday is coming up at least buy a cake from me. Well, think about it this way. Maybe they’re not your target market. Yeah, sure.

Everybody might like cake but you have to understand something. Sometimes they’re not your target market. Let’s say they go for high-end products and what you’re selling is not necessarily high-end. Or it could be that maybe what you’re offering is too high-end for the people you want to support you so they won’t necessarily spend money just to support you.

You know everyone has their budget, everyone who has what they’re trying to do with their money, you cannot dictate how somebody spends their money. If I told you, you have to buy this thing, because I said so, you’re not going to like that. And all because of some idea or concept of social etiquette. It doesn’t work like that.

Yes, you might want them to support you. But everyone supports each other in different ways, right? Another way that you can get support instead of you trying to target them as a client could be asking them instead to follow you on social media. 

you cannot dictate how others decide to spend their money quote- why friends and family dont support your business

Familiarity Breeds Contempt aka See Finish

So the next point I wanted to speak on will have quite a few people in their feelings. And to be honest, it’s sometimes had me in my feelings a few times here and there. In Nigeria, they call it “see finish”. But you’ll probably know it as familiarity breeds contempt.

You can imagine if you started let’s say cake business, and you have been talking to friends and family about the whole business. They know everything that you’re doing, they’ve seen how and where you get your products from your eggs, sugar, and butter to your equipment.

They know where you get every single thing from and they’ve seen you build yourself up from when you cracked eggshells in with the eggs to now that you’re a professional and you’re at the point in your career where you’re now selling cakes, let’s say at a thousand euro a pop.

That friend is looking at you like “Hang on a second! you’re not selling me a cake €1,000 a pop! You must be joking”. Like that’s not happening. So we call that “see finish”, 

You know that person, they see it almost like there’s no way they’ve seen you grow this thing from either a hobby or whatever this idea from your head, all the way to, you know, to a booming business.

They simply cannot see past the you that they’ve put in a box in their mind and it’s only an outsider that can pay you what you’re truly worth now, and that’s really the problem sometimes. 

So it’s not that your friends and family don’t really want to support you per se in that situation. It’s just that they’re limited by their beliefs about you or their perception of you in that situation. And to be honest, in that situation.

They’re very happy to tell anyone and everyone that they know that they know you and share your name with the world. But they will never pay the price that you’re offering right now. 

In this case, you have to know the kind of support you’re going to get from certain types of people. And I think there’s a level of awareness depending on the kind of support that you’re looking for. It all depends on the circles that you’re looking for support from. 

Certain kinds of friends and family will support you in different kinds of ways. If, for example, you’ve grown up with little and you’ve really hustled your way up, there’s a very low chance that your friends from that time of your life are willing to pay you what you are worth today. 

And even then, sometimes they might still have that mindset that “listen, I’m happy to have a cake and tell the world I got a cake from you. And then have my friends pay you the full price. Let the world know I got it from you. But I’m not gonna pay for it”. So you have to understand who you’re sharing this information with and how they can support you.

So in that situation, It will be word of mouth. So what you will be doing is almost kind of giving it to them as a free gift. And then they’ll support you by telling the world that they got a product from you and loved it. But they’ll never pay you what you’re worth Not in a million years.

That’s my experience in those kinds of situations because they know your process. So they’ll never buy it for the price. Some might even try to copy you, they might even try to duplicate your situation and you know, do their own thing with a slight twist. So have that in mind.

familiarity breeds contempt quote- why friends and family dont support your business

friends and family have Strong Bonds With your Competitors

So the next one I want us to explore is when your friends or family members already have a strong relationship with someone offering the same exact product or service that you are offering, sometimes they might not support you.

If what you are selling is great but they get theirs from a reliable source, someone that they’ve been working with for a while, someone that they trust, someone that they already have a connection with. And that person has never let them down.

You’ll find that people don’t like change. If you have a system that works for you, why would you try and rock the boat just because you’re trying to help a friend? So if you really want your friend and family or family to support you in this situation, you really have to give them an incentive to.

It is not an automatic thing and my advice is that you not expect it because the moment you start expecting it, I can assure you that you will definitely disappoint yourself because they are not the ones who will disappoint you, you’re the one who’s raising your expectations to a place where it’s not going to be fulfilled. 

So in this kind of situation, the best thing you can do to set yourself up for success in my experience is to basically start using your product and let them see that it’s working for you.

And if it means that one of the things that are a key element in the product is for example, that the makeup doesn’t transfer onto the face mask, you need to show them that you can sweat all day on it and basically it won’t get gross, it’s breathable, it doesn’t mess up your glasses, etc.

Whatever the thing is, they need to see you using that and they need to know that it actually works. Then there’ll be an opportunity for you to offer your product naturally. You know, give them one in the car, toss one somewhere in the house, let them use it once or twice or three times. 

Sometimes I find that people get upset because they don’t feel like they shouldn’t have to give a sample of things or free gifts of things because people should buy their product and that’s true people should buy a product.

But if you’re trying to convince someone to buy your product, you need to give a little to get a little because they already have a strong relationship with someone or a place they buy from and it’s gonna take some convincing and that’s pretty much the kind of thing you’re trying to get them to do. 

If you’re trying to get people to change from one vendor to another, you really have to convince them that everything they need is there. All the things they find important from one place they’re going to get in the next place and if you can convince them of that you’re sold.

So sometimes if you really want to do that with friends and family, you really kind of have to sell to them as well if they’re within your target market.

friends and family don’t want to Mix Finances with Personal Relationships

Now, this is one that’s quite tricky, and it doesn’t happen as often. But I’ve seen it happen once or twice and it really cringes. You’ll find that sometimes when people start a new venture, specifically products, they tend to be capital intensive and require start-up costs.

So let’s say I have a new backpack I’m designing. It means that I need to speak to people from China, which means I need to spend money to design and create samples and then after that, order a load and they’ll combine the shipment. 

If you decide you are serious about this business but do not have the funds to cover it and a bank will not loan you the money, the next step is to ask friends and family. Sometimes, it can be a little bit embarrassing when you go around asking especially if you are not strategic about it.

Do you have a business plan? Have you done your due diligence or are you going from one hobby to the next? Are you trustworthy? In my experience, you really have to be careful who and where you go asking for money. 

I personally have asked somebody for a short-term loan before and I’ve been declined. And it literally was a loan where I said, you know, listen, I need this amount, I needed it for like two days, I just didn’t have cash and the person declined.

I was a bit put out, but I understood. And I never asked the person for money again, it made me understand that that person did not want to break that boundary in our relationship. And that’s fair enough.

Now, it wasn’t actually for a business, it was literally a short-term loan for something else. But I can assure you that I’ve asked somebody else for money before since then, and they’ve given me a long-term loan. Why? Because they knew that I had integrity. And while the person also genuinely loved me, They also knew I had integrity. 

I believe that some people will definitely look at your character when deciding if they want to give you money. Not everyone’s just going to be like “here you go!”, sign a cheque and just tear it out and give it to you. If they think that it’s going to jeopardize the relationship and sense that they’re gonna have to chase you for the money.

Especially if you don’t seem to be the kind of person that would want to return the money and would make it difficult for them because of the money. They’re not going to want to entertain that conversation or want to support you in any way, shape, or form in and around anything like that. And that’s why you find that when people start new ventures you see certain people dodging you. Because they’ve already seen that they don’t want anyone asking them for money. It’s not necessarily because they know you’re going to ask for money because sometimes you might not want to or you might not even end up doing that. But just from their personal experience of others coming to them, they just are trying to protect themselves. 

They don’t even want anyone coming near them with anything like that. So they wait until it gets to a point where they feel like that hurdle has been crossed, and you seem secure. And then they come back when all seems sorted because they don’t want the drama. 

So sometimes you have to understand that there are two sides to the story. As adults, some people just don’t necessarily want to have these frank conversations because a lot of feelings will start getting hurt. It just is what it is. A lot of time you start asking yourself, why did this person act this way? Why did that person act that way? That’s just always subtext.

friends and family see issues with your Ethics and Poor Standards in your business

This one for me is quite critical. I find that it’s happened over and over and over again. Maybe it’s because I’ve worked in a few five-star hotels and my standards have been pretty high but what I find is that oftentimes I can be quite blunt in the way I speak and it can be to a fault, you see. So sometimes I’d rather keep quiet than speak my bluntness because it can be taken out of turn. Because of this, you’ll find that constructive criticism can be tricky for me to share. 

Those that know me to know that I would normally buy a product or service from my friends and family first. I am that kind of person. I’ll make it very clear that if whatever the person sells is too high end, for me, for example, I’m not going to buy it, or if it’s not to my taste, obviously, if it’s not within that range of it doesn’t tick those boxes, then it’s not for me. But the point is if it ticks all the boxes, and I’m not buying, there’s obviously a reason. And to be honest, some people are just not ready for that constructive criticism. 

So sometimes you find that people are resenting you for not buying from them but they’re not ready to put in the work to make the change. And this is the issue that I have.

So I know that their ethical standards are poor. And you’ve asked specifically for certain things, and you just didn’t get them and they’re collecting, or rather you know, because you’ve hung around them long enough, you’ve seen the orders that they’re getting, and you see the order sheet, they’ll charge them more, but they’re not actually delivering on what they are charging, and they’ll take the money. And for me, there’s just no ethics.

When I see the back end like that, and I know that that person doesn’t have standards, procedures, and processes and the ethics are poor, I’m just not going to buy from that person.

I believe in standards. And I believe that people should have ethics in doing things. If I’m buying from you and you’re supposed to be my friend, I hold people close to me to a higher standard compared to those that are out there. But if you’re supposed to be closer to me, then I just can’t abide by it. 

So in that situation, If I was asked to repost on social media? Unfortunately, I can’t. I just can’t. And that’s when it becomes an issue. Me reposting means that I validate their standards and ethics and I cannot validate it because I don’t agree with that.

I would have to decline or just ignore the request altogether. And I’d rather avoid it because I’m just one of those people. I know that if I say it, I’ll be blunt, and it’s just not going to go down well. I’m doing my best to speak and try to be more diplomatic in my conversations. But it takes time. We’ll get there eventually. 

It’s so important that work ethic is correct. People adjust their professionalism, their work ethic, processes, and procedures. I know things happen with customer service here and there but they can be forgiven. However, if you’re selling a product, I don’t want a situation where I don’t like something and I can’t speak about it. I need to be able to know that I can come to you and say listen, I’m not happy with this.

I should be able to be comfortable saying that because if I had an issue with an Amazon product, I’m returning it but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable returning something to a friend. So some people have issues with those barriers as well which is why they would rather just not buy from a friend, they’d rather just give money to a friend than even buy, like a product from a friend. And that’s how it goes, to be honest, or they just buy a product and gift it to somebody else again, then actually buy and use it and have something bad to say about it.

friends and family Just Don’t Like you or Your Product

I think this needs just to be said and even though we think yes, there are some points I’ve mentioned, that make you think that we should have some more self-awareness, I still think there is something to be said for the malicious.

Yes, some people can have stuff going on but also sometimes you’ve got to look at it holistically and be like, well, maybe they just don’t like me. And if they don’t like me then why would they even support me? I’ll be very honest with you, some people have resentments already. Some people despise you.

Some people definitely just don’t like you and are just counting the days to your downfall. It happens honestly and there are people like that out there. But we can’t live our lives like that. Cowering in fear of these people who are waiting for our downfall. We just have to keep on keeping on and focus on what we are trying to achieve. 

What You Should do When Friends and Family Don’t Support Your Business

I really titled this podcast episode like this, because I know that some people are crestfallen when things happen, they get a bit like why me? I just want you to know that it could be many things. It really could be a number of things that can happen. But I need you to keep a few things in mind.

First of all, source your target market outside of your friends and family. Because for as long as you focus your target market and your customers on your friends and family, they will forever disappoint you.

Try and have your unique client be somebody that’s not your family member. Let it be a unique client, that is somebody else, and focus on that. So if your friends or family don’t support you, it’s not the end of the world. And if they do, it’s just the cherry on top. 

Secondly, work towards consistency and growth. I know that sometimes shit happens when we’re doing service and products. And this is why we’re trying to limit the number of things that can cause people not to support us, whether it’s family or friends, or even customers as a whole. Because no matter who it is, we just want good feedback overall.

And so we want as much constructive criticism. But we also want to work on it so that we have as much quality service and products that we provide, and that we are as consistent in what we give our customers and that we can continue to grow. And eventually, somebody out there will like what is on offer. 

Thirdly, let’s just remember that constructive criticism is key, and can be hard to take, especially from those closest to us. I always ask myself where their advice is coming from. I haven’t always been the most graceful with this approach in past. But you know, we live and we learn. 

Fourthly, no one really owes you anything. In the same way, you don’t owe anyone anything either. What I’ll say is this, let’s just try and focus on the wonderful things you’re creating.

And the reasons that you’re creating. You know, we all want to make money. it really can’t be all about that, can it? Otherwise, we will become lost and embittered and lose sight of the joy of when someone genuinely enjoys our product and services. 

Finally remember just like you, people are going through what they’re going through, and you don’t know what anyone else is going through right now. Everyone is putting up a brave face from the person who has cancer, to the single mom struggling with her children to the family who is scrambling to pay their bills. To those who have children with learning difficulties. Everyone has worries that are stressing them. So let’s just try and live in each other’s shoes sometimes. 

One thing that has helped me be more present with my and other people’s perspectives, and trying not to make assumptions is a tiny but powerful book called The Four Agreements: Practical Guide to Personal Freedom: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (Toltec Wisdom) by Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills

If you found any of this in any way interesting don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast.

Until the next post! Ciao!


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Live your truth

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Infographic of Why Friends and Family Don