Blog Personal Growth

Find Your Life Purpose: How to Discover What You Were Born To Do

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Do you know what your life purpose is? If not, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Many people spend their entire lives searching for their life purpose, without ever finding it. That’s because there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Everyone has a different life purpose, and there are many different ways to find it. In this blog post, we will discuss 9 unique methods for finding your life purpose. Use these methods to discover what you were born to do, and start living a more fulfilling life!

1. Your higher power

Many people searching for their life’s purpose end up feeling lost and frustrated. If you’re at a loss for what you should be doing with your life, you may be looking in the wrong places. The good news is, that there is a unique method that can help you discover your life’s purpose, and it starts with finding your higher power. When you connect with a power that is greater than yourself, you open yourself up to receiving guidance and wisdom. From there, you can start to receive messages about what your life’s purpose is. One way to connect with your higher power is to meditate or pray for guidance. You can also keep a journal in which you explore your deepest desires and ask for guidance about how to achieve them. These messages can come in many forms, such as through dreams, visions, or even just a sense of knowing. Trust that the guidance you receive is coming from a place of love, and let it lead you to your life’s purpose.

2. The Values Exercise

Everyone has their own unique talents and abilities, and sometimes it can be hard to figure out what you’re meant to do with your life. If you’re feeling lost or uncertain about your path, there’s a simple exercise that can help you to get clarity about what’s important to you and what you want to achieve. It’s called the values exercise, and it works like this: first, make a list of everything that’s important to you in life. This could include things like family, friends, health, wealth, career success, etc. Once you’ve got your list, rank each item in order of importance, with the most important thing at the top. Now, take a look at your list and see if there are any patterns or common themes.

For example, if you find that most of the things on your list are related to helping others, then it’s likely that your life purpose has something to do with service. If you see a lot of items related to creativity, then your life purpose might have something to do with the arts. By taking the time to analyze your values, you can get a better understanding of what’s important to you and what you want to achieve in life.

3. Your Passions and interests

If you’re not sure what your life’s purpose is, a great place to start is by looking at your passions and interests. What are the things that you are most passionate about? What makes you excited to wake up every day? These are clues to what your life’s purpose might be. For example, if you’re passionate about animals, your life’s purpose might involve working with them in some way. Maybe you could become a veterinarian, or work for an animal rescue organization. If you’re interested in fashion, your life’s purpose might involve becoming a fashion designer or working in the fashion industry. Follow your heart and let your passions guide you to your life’s purpose.

4. Your talents and skills

We all have talents and skills that come naturally to us. However, sometimes it can be difficult to figure out what we were born to do. If you’re struggling to find your calling, there is a unique method that can help you discover your true talents and skills. The next time you’re feeling lost, try this exercise: Make a list of everything that you enjoy doing. Then, take a look at your list and consider what activities make you feel most fulfilled. What are you passionate about? What makes you feel alive? Answering these questions can help you gain clarity about your true talents and skills. Once you know what you’re good at, you can start using your talents to make a difference in the world. There’s no better feeling than using your unique gifts to make a positive impact on others.

5. Your Habits & how they fit into your life purpose

You know that feeling when you just can’t seem to find your place in the world? Like you’re meant to be doing something else, but you have no idea what that is? Well, a method that can help you figure it out is called the Habit Method.

The basic premise of the Habit Method is simple: by examining your habits, you can identify your strengths and weaknesses, and this self-knowledge can help you find the work that you were meant to do. To use the Habit Method, simply keep a journal of your daily habits for a period of time.

As you record your habits, pay attention to any patterns that emerge. Do you find that you’re always drawn to creative pursuits? Or that you have a knack for problem-solving? These patterns can give you clues about the type of work that would suit you best.

6. Taking a life-changing trip to find your life purpose

Many people go through their lives without ever discovering their true purpose. If you feel like you’re searching for something more, it might be time to take a life-changing trip. By getting out of your comfort zone and exploring new places, you can open yourself up to new possibilities and gain a better understanding of the world around you. Travel can also help you to develop new skills and perspectives that you can use in your everyday life. So if you’re feeling lost, don’t be afraid to take a leap of faith and book that ticket. Who knows? Your dream destination just might hold the key to unlocking your true potential.

7. Taking an assessment test

If you feel like you’re stuck in a rut, or if you’re just not sure what direction to take, you might benefit from taking a personality, careers and or life assessment test. While there are many different types of these tests available, they all have one goal: to help you figure out what you’re passionate about. By answering a series of questions about your interests, values, and goals, an assessment test can give you some much-needed clarity. It can also help you identify your strengths and weaknesses, and it can provide you with a better understanding of what makes you happy. If you’re feeling lost or unsure of your path in life, taking an assessment test could be the first step in finding your way.

8. Service to others

Another great way to find your life’s purpose is by serving others. When you give of yourself selflessly, you open yourself up to new experiences and lessons. As you help others, you will also start to get a better understanding of who you are and what you’re meant to do in this life. service can come in many forms, such as volunteering, helping a friend in need, or even just smiling at someone you pass on the street. Every act of kindness makes a difference, so don’t underestimate the power of service.

9. Talk to friends, family, and mentors for advice on what they think you would be great at

Trying to figure out what you should do with your life can feel like a daunting task. However, one unique method that can help you figure out your calling is to talk to those who know you best. Friends and family can offer valuable insights into your strengths and weaknesses, and they may have suggestions for careers that would suit you. Similarly, mentors can provide guidance and support as you explore different options. By talking to those who care about you, you can get a better sense of what you’re good at and what you might enjoy doing. In addition, they can offer encouragement and advice when you’re feeling lost or uncertain. Ultimately, discovering your purpose in life is a journey that requires exploration and self-reflection. However, talking to others can be a great way to get started.

Bonus: Your Life experiences

Another great way to find your life’s purpose is by looking at your life experiences. What has life taught you so far? What challenges have you faced, and how did you overcome them? These life experiences can be pivotal in helping you discover your life’s purpose. For example, if you’ve experienced a lot of heartache in your life, your purpose might be to help others heal from their own pain. If you’ve faced many obstacles, your purpose might be to help others overcome their own challenges. Let your life experiences guide you to the lessons you are meant to learn and use those lessons to help others.

Conclusion on finding your life purpose

We hope you’ve found this helpful and that it has inspired you to take some action. Whether that means taking an assessment test to figure out what your talents and skills are, we want to encourage you to keep moving forward. Join our email hangout where we discuss living a life of purpose in more detail. And don’t forget to subscribe to our podcast so you can listen to each episode as soon as it comes out. We hope these resources will help you create an amazing year for yourself!! Thank you for joining us on this journey of self-discovery.

Blog Personal Growth

013: What are Your Core Values (And Why They Matter?)

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what are your core values

Your core values are the things that you believe are most important in life. Of course, your core values may change over time. As you grow and change, so will your priorities. That’s okay! It’s natural for your values to evolve as you experience new things and learn more about yourself. The important thing is to stay true to your values, even when they’re challenged.

Core values guide your decisions, shape your relationships, and affect how you live each day. But what exactly are they, and why do they matter? 

In this blog post, we’ll explore what values are, why they’re so important, and how you can identify your own. By the end of reading this, you’ll have a better understanding of what matters most to you – and be well on your way to living a more fulfilling life as a result. So let’s get started!

What are values and how are they formed?

Values are a set of principles that guide our decisions and actions. They provide a framework for making choices that reflect our priorities and goals in life. They can be anything from honesty and integrity to compassion and love. Values are important because they help us to stay true to ourselves and our beliefs.

Our values are formed over time as we experience different things and learn more about the world. Family, friends, culture, and religion all play a role in shaping our values. Some core values may be instilled in you at an early age, while others may emerge as you experience new things and learn more about yourself. As we grow older, we may also develop new values that reflect our changing priorities and beliefs. Regardless of how they’re formed, values play a major role in guiding your decisions, shaping your relationships, and affecting how you live each day.

It’s important to remember that values are personal. What may be important to you may not be important to someone else. There’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to  your values – only what matters to you.


How do you identify or change your core values?

There are a few different ways to determine your core values.

  1. One way is to ask yourself what’s important to you in life. What matters most to you? What are your priorities? What do you want to achieve in life? Once you have a list of answers, you can start to identify which values are most important to you.
  2. Another way to determine your core values is to think about the times when you feel most fulfilled in life. What are you doing when you feel this way? What are you involved in? What are your passions? Once you have a list of answers, you can start to identify which values are most important to you.
  3. Finally, you can also ask the people close to you what they think your core values are. They may be able to provide a different perspective on what’s important to you.

Once you have a list of core values, it’s important to remember them and stay true to them. When life gets tough and you’re faced with a difficult decision, ask yourself how your core values can guide you. If your core values are honesty and integrity, for example, then you may want to consider whether or not lying is the right thing to do. Staying true to your core values can help you make tough decisions, stay on track, and live a more fulfilling life.


Values to look for in a partner

Values are important in choosing a partner because they can help to ensure that you have a compatible long-term relationship. Some of the values that you may want to look for include: kindness, honesty, respect, and communication.

If you share similar core values with your partner, you’re likely to have a strong and lasting relationship. That’s because core values are the foundation upon which you build your life together. They represent what’s most important to you both, and they guide your decisions and actions.

If you’re not sure what your core values are, take some time to think about them. What are the most important things to you in life? What do you want to achieve? Once you have a good understanding of your core values, make sure to look for them in potential partners. And be prepared to explain why they matter to you. After all, sharing your core values is one of the best ways to start a meaningful conversation with someone new!


How can you tell if you’re living in line with your core values?

There are a few ways to tell if you’re living in line with your core values.

  1. One way is to ask yourself if the decisions you’re making reflect your priorities and goals in life. Are you staying true to what’s important to you? Are you living in accordance with your core values?
  2. Another way to tell if you’re living in line with your values is to think about how you feel when you make a decision. Do you feel good about the choice you’ve made? Do you feel like you’re living in accordance with your values?
  3. You can also ask the people close to you if they think you’re living in line with your values. They may be able to provide a different perspective on your choices and help you to see if you’re living in accordance with your values.

What are the benefits of living a life that’s in line with your core values?

There are many benefits of living a life that’s in line with your core values but we will touch on just a few of them.

When you’re making decisions based on your core values, you’re more likely to feel good about the choice you’ve made. You’ll be in accordance with what’s important to you and you’ll feel like you’re living a fulfilling life.

Living in line with your values can help you stay on track when life gets tough. If you have a difficult decision to make, core values can provide a framework for making the right choice.

If you live by your values, you’ll find that life is more fulfilling and satisfying. You’ll have a clear sense of what’s important to you and you’ll be more likely to make decisions based on those values. This can lead to a lot of happiness and satisfaction.

When you live in line with your core values, the people close to you will see that you’re living a values-based life. They may be more likely to respect you and look up to you as a result.


How can you make changes to better reflect your core values in your life and work?

There are a few ways that you can make changes to better reflect your core values in your life and work.

One way is to create a list of core values and carry it with you wherever you go. When you’re faced with a difficult decision, refer to your values list to help you make the right choice. a helpful way is by writing it in your notes app or creating a cool screen saver with an editor like canva. 

I find that pausing before reacting to situations is a great way of giving me a chance to reflect and decide if I’m going on a knee jerk reaction that may or may not be based on my values. I can process and evaluate then decide what my response or reaction should be and it can come from a place that is based on my values. This has to be intentional and only works when you stay calm.

Another way to better reflect your core values in your life and work is to make a commitment to living in line with them. Decide that you’re going to live each day based on your core values and see how it impacts your life.

Finally, you can also talk to the people close to you about your values and ask for their feedback. They may be able to provide a different perspective on how you’re living in line with your values and offer suggestions on how you can make changes.

Are you getting an idea of what your core values are?


What would happen if you didn’t live by your core values anymore – or if you never even identified them in the first place?

You would feel lost and directionless. Without core values to guide you, you would be wandering through life without a clear purpose. You would make decisions based on whim and not on what’s important to you. You would be living a life that’s not in line with your priorities and goals and likely feel like something is missing from your life. This can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

You would be more likely to make impulsive and harmful decisions. If you’re not living in line with your core values, you’ll be more likely to make choices that are based on short-term gratification rather than long term fulfilment. This can lead to harmful consequences in your life.

When you’re living in accordance with your core values, you’re more likely to feel happy and fulfilled because you’re doing what’s important to you.

The people who are closest to you will have less respect for your decisions if they do not match up with what’s important in life. A key factor in this is if your actions and word don’t align.

So, what are your core values? Take some time to think about it and see if you can come up with a list of 5 core values that are important to you. Once you have them, start living in line with them! You may be surprised at how much better life feels when you’re living in accordance with your core values.


When values and ethics conflict

When values and ethics conflict, it can be difficult to know what to do. In some cases, it may be necessary to choose between your values and your ethics. For example, if you have strong values about honesty, but you are asked to lie in order to protect someone else, you may need to decide which is more important to you.

In other cases, it may be possible to find a middle ground that allows you to uphold both your values and your ethics. For example, if you have strong values about environmentalism, but you also need to make a profit in your business, you may choose to recycle or use environmentally-friendly products.

No matter what happens, it’s important to stay true to yourself. If you find that you can’t uphold your values and your ethics, it may be time to reevaluate them. After all, your core values are the foundation of who you are!


How has following your core values led to success and happiness in your life thus far?

Once I identified the key values that I wanted to see in others but I also wanted to model day in and day out, I knew that it would be a daily battle to push to be a better version of myself. Nobody said it would be easy to be better, But it is definitely worth it. I don’t feel that crushing guilt when I go against the things I stand for. I don’t feel like a hypocrite when I say one thing yet do something different. I know that more often than not, I say what I mean and mean what I say and my actions are following my words.

There will always be times where I regress but overall…I believe I wake up every day intentionally working towards staying within the scope of the core values that I have drawn up for myself. And with that in mind, I have peace of mind, I am not people pleasing and I am happier than ever. My boundary lines are now more and more in pleasant places.



 In order to live a life that is fulfilling and in line with our authentic selves, it’s important to know what our core values are. Once we have identified our core values, the next step is to make changes in our lives so that we can better reflect these values. And finally, it’s essential to stay true to our core values when challenges arise (which they inevitably will).

By following these simple steps, you too can live a life that is aligned with your most deeply-held beliefs and principles. And if you ever find yourself feeling lost or off track, remember that you can always make changes to better reflect your true self.

We hope you join us on our email hangout where we discuss this topic further as well as other things self awareness! We would love to hear about your experiences living by your core values – good or bad! In the meantime, please share with us in the comments below how following your core values have led to success in your own life!



Blog Personal Growth

Why Self Love Is So Important (And How To Cultivate It)

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why self love is so important


Self-love is becoming a buzzword. What self love actually looks like, however, is more difficult to define. I want us to look at why self love us so important and how to cultivate it in our lives.

What is Self Love?

Self love is the practice of valuing oneself and one’s own opinions and feelings. It usually requires being gentle and understanding with oneself, particularly during difficult times. Self love can help you feel more connected to yourself. People who practise self love may also be more likely to take care of their physical health and have healthier relationships.

What Self Love Does Not Look Like?

Many have labelled self care activities that range from bubble baths to deep tissue massage as self-love. Meditation and journaling (which are great activities)have also been mislabeled as self-love when in reality these are simply self-care activities. Loving yourself includes things like cooking for yourself when you know your eating habits need work; it includes getting out of bed on days you want to stay in because the world will be there tomorrow, and it definitely includes saying no when something doesn’t feel right.

Self love does not look like self-indulgence. You can self-love while you’re doing self-care activities but if self care is the only thing you’re about, self love isn’t what you are cultivating. Really loving yourself well involves being able to give yourself tough love too at times.

How Can You Cultivate Self Love?

1) Self Love Starts With Action

Just like self care requires some sort of action to show self-love, it involves steps you can actually take to figure out how to be the best version of yourself possible.  It’s more about being proactive than letting things happen without taking charge.

One of the best self love ideas out there is that self love starts with self respect and self-respect often requires self care. It is also about knowing yourself.

Self love means knowing your motivations, desires, fears, and everything in between – it means understanding why you do what you do even if some of those reasons aren’t very pretty.  It is about accepting yourself for all your weird little flaws not because they’re good, but because they make you who you are.

Self love is self respect and self-care because you have to be your own number one fan in order for anyone else to see how amazing you are.

In order to have self-love, those around you must have self-respect. This means being kind to yourself, which in turn means not putting up with other people disrespecting you.

Self love is about standing up for yourself and others like you, not because it’s popular but because it’s right.

2) Be Your Friend

We all deserve to be treated well and it’s important that we recognize this in ourselves as much or more so than those around us. When you are constantly putting up with your own crap, while expecting the worst from other people without even giving them a chance; how will they ever learn? It can seem like an overwhelming task at times but there is hope – by changing our mindset towards self-improvement (and yes I’m talking about YOU), things may start going better both professionally AND personally! When I say self love is like self care, it’s sort of like self care in the sense that if you were taking care of a friend, wouldn’t you bring them a bowl of soup when they were sick?  Wouldn’t you console them if they had a bad break up?

It’s time to be your own best friend to be honest (and not in an indulgent way). As cheesy as it sounds, try looking into the mirror and speaking in positive terms about yourself often. And never forget how strong, smart, creative, funny, loving, and resilient you are…you deserve self love.

Self love means being yourself, being your own biggest fan that cheers you on all the way!

Self-love is not selfish. When you honour your own needs—physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.—you are much better equipped to handle life’s challenges from day to day with patience rather than resentment or anger. You’re also more likely going about things from a place of compassion which will draw others close to you as opposed to pushing them away.

3) Accept Yourself For Who You Are

This might be the most self-explanatory self love idea on this list but it’s one of the most important self love ideas out there. Being who you really want to be and not caring too much about what people think about you. It’s ok if everyone doesn’t like you always, and self love comes from accepting that reality and living your life anyway. Accepting yourself is what keeps self-hate from taking over…  Self love is possible when you accept yourself. The more you can accept who you are, good and bad, the more successful you will be in life. This is because self love means being kind to yourself even when things are not perfect. But at least it’s not completely crappy either.

Self love isn’t just about loving your body or your abilities but also loving your mind for all its little quirks and mistakes. If the next time you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself, try changing it to something more positive instead. It will take time getting used to this new train of thought so try not to get frustrated when your old thoughts creep up on you. They might be sneaky, but they won’t last forever.

One of the best ways to cultivate self acceptance is by accepting others as they are too.  It’s a two-way street and it really can be as simple as looking at everyone you meet as a reflection of who you are – if someone makes a mistake or screws up, that’s got nothing to do with you but chances are that person might very well have a part in how you view yourself.

4) Have The Right Mindset About Change

By looking at everything with an open mind and accepting that bad things happen to everyone sometimes, keep in mind the power of positive thinking and your higher power! You are not the only factor at play so don’t let negative vibes get in the way of life. It’s important to stay positive for your mental health and trust in your higher power by keeping the faith.

Self love means having a healthy perspective on life and a flexible mindset when it comes to making changes- if something doesn’t make you happy, try changing it because remember: you deserve happiness. Don’t get stuck between a rock and a hard place

If something isn’t working, don’t keep beating yourself up over it.  Self love means knowing that making mistakes will happen and that change isn’t always easy but it’s important to be patient with yourself.  Give yourself time to learn new things and enjoy the process of self improvement. One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to step outside your comfort zone every now and then because this will help you become a stronger, better person in the long run.  You might slip up every once in a while, but it’s important to be forgiving of yourself.

5) Be Proud of Who You Are And What You’ve Accomplished

Pride is a lovely, underrated place in self love.  Being proud of everything you’ve done – the good choices and the bad ones, the bad days and the better days, all that stuff matters because it’s your life.  You don’t have to be ashamed of anything ever again! So if there’s something from your past that makes you feel guilty or embarrassed when it pops up in your head, try changing the words around in your brain to something positive rather than negative because positive plus positive equals awesome.

Self love is self care but self care isn’t always easy.  Sure, it’s easier to be down on yourself and think of only the negative things you might have done, but if you can flip that around and look at all that your past experiences (good and bad) taught you then suddenly all those crappy memories become learning experiences that made you into the person you are today.

6) Live Your Own Life And Don’t Live Someone Else’s Dream For Them

You are not obligated to live anyone else’s dream for them.  If you want your life to look different than it does now, make those changes happen! If you want to live your dream (or even if it’s your half-baked idea), then start taking steps towards making that happen.  It might be scary, but actually doing something about what you feel will set you up for success. The self doubt will be a constant companion if you don’t take the initiative and do something about it. In fact, doing anything at all is better than not taking any action whatsoever!

Self love is not the same as codependency. Codependent relationships are unhealthy and self-love requires you to take steps towards making your life better no matter what, even if it means doing things that make us feel uncomfortable in order for us to be happy with ourselves because only someone who loves themselves could truly provide this type of support.

The best way I’ve found how my own happiness can come first before anything else has been by focusing on myself without hesitation when there’s conflict between others around me

Self love looks like learning to be comfortable with being alone and spending time by yourself because there is no one else who understands you like yourself.

7) Be Okay With Not Being Okay Sometimes

Self love means knowing that it’s okay to not always be okay.  It also doesn’t mean never feeling the lows because feeling the lows are an important part of life, too! Sometimes the lows aren’t a failure on your part, but a reality of life – even if it’s one you don’t want to face.

Self love is self-confidence because self-confidence comes from being able to accept yourself for who you are – it also means being able to accept that you’re not always going to be at the top of your game, but that’s okay.

8) Be Resilient

One of the most important things to cultivate when it comes to self-love is resilience. This means that you’re able to face and overcome difficult times in your life. It’s important to have this quality because, inevitably, low times will come. When they do, you need to be able to pick yourself up and keep moving forward.

There are a few things you can do to cultivate resilience and help it grow in your life. First, identify your strengths and focus on them. This will help you build your resilience muscle and make you feel more capable of overcoming difficult times. Secondly, practice self-compassion. This means being kind and understanding towards yourself when things go wrong. Accept that you’re human and that you’ll make mistakes. Know that as long as you’re working towards your goals and doing your best, you’ll be fine. Lastly, exercise regularly. This will help keep your mind healthy and prevent problems such as depression or anxiety from coming up unexpectedly.

When things go wrong, the most important thing you can do is take a step back and breathe. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up and don’t beat yourself up over it. Rather than dwelling on things, let them go and begin working on a solution. It may take some time, but eventually you’ll move past the difficult part and be even stronger because of it!

9) It’s Okay To Need Help From Other People Sometimes

Self love is self-sufficiency because it isn’t weak to know when you need help, and sometimes asking for assistance isn’t a reflection on you as a person – it’s just what we need to do sometimes.  You can be self-sufficient and still know when asking for help is appropriate so long as you continue to work towards independence, too.

Self love looks like accepting that it’s okay to need assistance from other people sometimes because everyone needs a helping hand from time to time, and that’s okay.

How Self Love Changes Your Life

Self love isn’t always about feeling good about who you are – it’s also about self-esteem and taking pride in who you are so that part of your happiness doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else but rather everything to do with how proud you are of yourself.

When you love yourself, you’re more likely to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. You become more patient and accepting of yourself and others, and you’re better able to navigate through life’s challenges. Your relationships also improve because you’re able to give and receive love in a healthy way. When you learn how to love yourself unconditionally, it opens up the door for more happiness and contentment in your life.

You become more disciplined and can better follow through with your goals. You’re less likely to give up on yourself or make excuses for why you can’t do something, and you’re able to set boundaries and make changes. You can also better bounce back from life’s problems and challenges because, when you love yourself, you realize that you can handle anything that comes your way.

When you learn to love yourself, the people around you — whether it’s your partner, friends or family members — also benefit because it allows you to connect with others on a deeper level and form more meaningful and stronger relationships. Self-love benefits others by allowing you to open up and be your best, most authentic self. You’re also able to be a better friend, partner and family member because you’re more patient and understanding of other people. You can also be a better listener and less judgmental.

Self love is also about being able to handle problems and challenges better because you don’t see them as a threat. If something bad happens, you’re able to deal with it because you have the same mindset as when something good happens — it doesn’t change your overall happiness or self-worth.

Self-love is the foundation of everything. It’s what allows you to be your best, happiest self and brings joy into life

You are the only person who can make yourself happy. It’s important that you love and care for your own wellbeing, because it will show in everything we do as long as there’s a positive attitude towards life!

And if there’s anything that will make our world better then please let it start here with us giving ourselves just one kind word or gesture each day 🙂


That was a lot of information! If you’re feeling fired up and ready to start cultivating self love in your own life, we’ve got some great resources for you. First, subscribe to our podcast and email hangout. We send out content weekly on self growth that helps you on your journey to becoming a better version of yourself. Secondly,  This guide on overcoming negaive self talk will show you how to overcome your negative self talk for good. You’ll learn how to identify the thoughts that are holding you back, and how to stop them from sabotaging your happiness and success. Give yourself time and space to grow into the person you want to be. Celebrate each accomplishment along the way, however small. Keep moving forward and do your best!

Chat soon!


Blog Personal Growth

008: Why Friends and Family Don’t Support Your Business

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Woman sad to feel left out- why friends and family dont support your business

Is it jealousy? Is it spite? Or is it just that they just don’t like what you’re selling? Well, let’s find out on this episode of Lolly’s Secrets Podcast where we discuss why friends and family don’t support your business.

 Hi, and welcome to lolly secret, a place where we work towards becoming a better version of ourselves by aligning expectations with reality, with a key focus on our self-development journey.

So today’s topic is a tricky one because I know that some of us who have started some new product or service that we’ve decided to tackle, we’ve decided that this journey is something exciting that we want to explore. It may be a hobby that we’ve converted into a business or something that we’re trying to see if it’s a good fit for us. Or it’s something that we’ve had our heart set on as a new career that we are trying to take on. Whichever way you look at it, sometimes people feel that our friends and family are just not as supportive as we would like. 

it is important to know and this is something that one of my cousins has told me before, first and foremost feelings are not facts. Now I know it’s difficult to take on board, but it’s the truth. Feelings are not facts.

That doesn’t mean that you cannot feel upset and it doesn’t mean that these things might not be the case that you’re not actually being supported. So let’s dive in and look at some of the situations where you may or may not be supported. 

feelings are not facts quote- why friends and family dont support your business

Whether it’s a myth, or it’s not a myth in the situation that you’re in. We will look at some things to take into consideration when you have a business or a hobby or something that you’re really excited about, and you don’t feel the support that you think you should have in the stage of the business, or the endeavour that you’re in.

you are Forcefully Projecting your Feelings

The first thing is that sometimes I feel that when we have a new venture that we’re interested in, we open it up to our friends and family and we say this is what we’re doing. You find that it’s anticlimactic and you’re wondering why everyone’s tepid with their responses. I know! Like why are they not as excited for me as I am?! 

Well, many reasons, right? First of all, it’s happening to you not them so they’re not going to be as excited as you are about it. But we believe that they should be as excited as we are. The thing is, it’s not happening to them, it’s happening to us.

We sometimes need to step outside our bodies and understand that because it’s not happening to them, they haven’t gone through the same process as us. We are the only ones who know what we went through and who fully understand all the hard work that went into it, all the processes, and all the sleepless nights.

You’re the only one who fully gets it and even if they’ve also gone through the processes of their own development of their businesses it’s not the same so you’re the only one who could fully appreciate your business and the excitement of it so you really cannot punish them for not being as excited as you are. Then again…maybe you need to reevaluate your support system.

friends and family are Not Your Target Client

Sometimes when you wonder to yourself okay… even if they’re not excited for you, why are they not patronizing my business to at least show support right? For example, they might not be as excited about let’s say you opening a cake business but at least buy a cake!

Not many are excited about baking but your daughter is turning one or you know your sister’s birthday is coming up at least buy a cake from me. Well, think about it this way. Maybe they’re not your target market. Yeah, sure.

Everybody might like cake but you have to understand something. Sometimes they’re not your target market. Let’s say they go for high-end products and what you’re selling is not necessarily high-end. Or it could be that maybe what you’re offering is too high-end for the people you want to support you so they won’t necessarily spend money just to support you.

You know everyone has their budget, everyone who has what they’re trying to do with their money, you cannot dictate how somebody spends their money. If I told you, you have to buy this thing, because I said so, you’re not going to like that. And all because of some idea or concept of social etiquette. It doesn’t work like that.

Yes, you might want them to support you. But everyone supports each other in different ways, right? Another way that you can get support instead of you trying to target them as a client could be asking them instead to follow you on social media. 

you cannot dictate how others decide to spend their money quote- why friends and family dont support your business

Familiarity Breeds Contempt aka See Finish

So the next point I wanted to speak on will have quite a few people in their feelings. And to be honest, it’s sometimes had me in my feelings a few times here and there. In Nigeria, they call it “see finish”. But you’ll probably know it as familiarity breeds contempt.

You can imagine if you started let’s say cake business, and you have been talking to friends and family about the whole business. They know everything that you’re doing, they’ve seen how and where you get your products from your eggs, sugar, and butter to your equipment.

They know where you get every single thing from and they’ve seen you build yourself up from when you cracked eggshells in with the eggs to now that you’re a professional and you’re at the point in your career where you’re now selling cakes, let’s say at a thousand euro a pop.

That friend is looking at you like “Hang on a second! you’re not selling me a cake €1,000 a pop! You must be joking”. Like that’s not happening. So we call that “see finish”, 

You know that person, they see it almost like there’s no way they’ve seen you grow this thing from either a hobby or whatever this idea from your head, all the way to, you know, to a booming business.

They simply cannot see past the you that they’ve put in a box in their mind and it’s only an outsider that can pay you what you’re truly worth now, and that’s really the problem sometimes. 

So it’s not that your friends and family don’t really want to support you per se in that situation. It’s just that they’re limited by their beliefs about you or their perception of you in that situation. And to be honest, in that situation.

They’re very happy to tell anyone and everyone that they know that they know you and share your name with the world. But they will never pay the price that you’re offering right now. 

In this case, you have to know the kind of support you’re going to get from certain types of people. And I think there’s a level of awareness depending on the kind of support that you’re looking for. It all depends on the circles that you’re looking for support from. 

Certain kinds of friends and family will support you in different kinds of ways. If, for example, you’ve grown up with little and you’ve really hustled your way up, there’s a very low chance that your friends from that time of your life are willing to pay you what you are worth today. 

And even then, sometimes they might still have that mindset that “listen, I’m happy to have a cake and tell the world I got a cake from you. And then have my friends pay you the full price. Let the world know I got it from you. But I’m not gonna pay for it”. So you have to understand who you’re sharing this information with and how they can support you.

So in that situation, It will be word of mouth. So what you will be doing is almost kind of giving it to them as a free gift. And then they’ll support you by telling the world that they got a product from you and loved it. But they’ll never pay you what you’re worth Not in a million years.

That’s my experience in those kinds of situations because they know your process. So they’ll never buy it for the price. Some might even try to copy you, they might even try to duplicate your situation and you know, do their own thing with a slight twist. So have that in mind.

familiarity breeds contempt quote- why friends and family dont support your business

friends and family have Strong Bonds With your Competitors

So the next one I want us to explore is when your friends or family members already have a strong relationship with someone offering the same exact product or service that you are offering, sometimes they might not support you.

If what you are selling is great but they get theirs from a reliable source, someone that they’ve been working with for a while, someone that they trust, someone that they already have a connection with. And that person has never let them down.

You’ll find that people don’t like change. If you have a system that works for you, why would you try and rock the boat just because you’re trying to help a friend? So if you really want your friend and family or family to support you in this situation, you really have to give them an incentive to.

It is not an automatic thing and my advice is that you not expect it because the moment you start expecting it, I can assure you that you will definitely disappoint yourself because they are not the ones who will disappoint you, you’re the one who’s raising your expectations to a place where it’s not going to be fulfilled. 

So in this kind of situation, the best thing you can do to set yourself up for success in my experience is to basically start using your product and let them see that it’s working for you.

And if it means that one of the things that are a key element in the product is for example, that the makeup doesn’t transfer onto the face mask, you need to show them that you can sweat all day on it and basically it won’t get gross, it’s breathable, it doesn’t mess up your glasses, etc.

Whatever the thing is, they need to see you using that and they need to know that it actually works. Then there’ll be an opportunity for you to offer your product naturally. You know, give them one in the car, toss one somewhere in the house, let them use it once or twice or three times. 

Sometimes I find that people get upset because they don’t feel like they shouldn’t have to give a sample of things or free gifts of things because people should buy their product and that’s true people should buy a product.

But if you’re trying to convince someone to buy your product, you need to give a little to get a little because they already have a strong relationship with someone or a place they buy from and it’s gonna take some convincing and that’s pretty much the kind of thing you’re trying to get them to do. 

If you’re trying to get people to change from one vendor to another, you really have to convince them that everything they need is there. All the things they find important from one place they’re going to get in the next place and if you can convince them of that you’re sold.

So sometimes if you really want to do that with friends and family, you really kind of have to sell to them as well if they’re within your target market.

friends and family don’t want to Mix Finances with Personal Relationships

Now, this is one that’s quite tricky, and it doesn’t happen as often. But I’ve seen it happen once or twice and it really cringes. You’ll find that sometimes when people start a new venture, specifically products, they tend to be capital intensive and require start-up costs.

So let’s say I have a new backpack I’m designing. It means that I need to speak to people from China, which means I need to spend money to design and create samples and then after that, order a load and they’ll combine the shipment. 

If you decide you are serious about this business but do not have the funds to cover it and a bank will not loan you the money, the next step is to ask friends and family. Sometimes, it can be a little bit embarrassing when you go around asking especially if you are not strategic about it.

Do you have a business plan? Have you done your due diligence or are you going from one hobby to the next? Are you trustworthy? In my experience, you really have to be careful who and where you go asking for money. 

I personally have asked somebody for a short-term loan before and I’ve been declined. And it literally was a loan where I said, you know, listen, I need this amount, I needed it for like two days, I just didn’t have cash and the person declined.

I was a bit put out, but I understood. And I never asked the person for money again, it made me understand that that person did not want to break that boundary in our relationship. And that’s fair enough.

Now, it wasn’t actually for a business, it was literally a short-term loan for something else. But I can assure you that I’ve asked somebody else for money before since then, and they’ve given me a long-term loan. Why? Because they knew that I had integrity. And while the person also genuinely loved me, They also knew I had integrity. 

I believe that some people will definitely look at your character when deciding if they want to give you money. Not everyone’s just going to be like “here you go!”, sign a cheque and just tear it out and give it to you. If they think that it’s going to jeopardize the relationship and sense that they’re gonna have to chase you for the money.

Especially if you don’t seem to be the kind of person that would want to return the money and would make it difficult for them because of the money. They’re not going to want to entertain that conversation or want to support you in any way, shape, or form in and around anything like that. And that’s why you find that when people start new ventures you see certain people dodging you. Because they’ve already seen that they don’t want anyone asking them for money. It’s not necessarily because they know you’re going to ask for money because sometimes you might not want to or you might not even end up doing that. But just from their personal experience of others coming to them, they just are trying to protect themselves. 

They don’t even want anyone coming near them with anything like that. So they wait until it gets to a point where they feel like that hurdle has been crossed, and you seem secure. And then they come back when all seems sorted because they don’t want the drama. 

So sometimes you have to understand that there are two sides to the story. As adults, some people just don’t necessarily want to have these frank conversations because a lot of feelings will start getting hurt. It just is what it is. A lot of time you start asking yourself, why did this person act this way? Why did that person act that way? That’s just always subtext.

friends and family see issues with your Ethics and Poor Standards in your business

This one for me is quite critical. I find that it’s happened over and over and over again. Maybe it’s because I’ve worked in a few five-star hotels and my standards have been pretty high but what I find is that oftentimes I can be quite blunt in the way I speak and it can be to a fault, you see. So sometimes I’d rather keep quiet than speak my bluntness because it can be taken out of turn. Because of this, you’ll find that constructive criticism can be tricky for me to share. 

Those that know me to know that I would normally buy a product or service from my friends and family first. I am that kind of person. I’ll make it very clear that if whatever the person sells is too high end, for me, for example, I’m not going to buy it, or if it’s not to my taste, obviously, if it’s not within that range of it doesn’t tick those boxes, then it’s not for me. But the point is if it ticks all the boxes, and I’m not buying, there’s obviously a reason. And to be honest, some people are just not ready for that constructive criticism. 

So sometimes you find that people are resenting you for not buying from them but they’re not ready to put in the work to make the change. And this is the issue that I have.

So I know that their ethical standards are poor. And you’ve asked specifically for certain things, and you just didn’t get them and they’re collecting, or rather you know, because you’ve hung around them long enough, you’ve seen the orders that they’re getting, and you see the order sheet, they’ll charge them more, but they’re not actually delivering on what they are charging, and they’ll take the money. And for me, there’s just no ethics.

When I see the back end like that, and I know that that person doesn’t have standards, procedures, and processes and the ethics are poor, I’m just not going to buy from that person.

I believe in standards. And I believe that people should have ethics in doing things. If I’m buying from you and you’re supposed to be my friend, I hold people close to me to a higher standard compared to those that are out there. But if you’re supposed to be closer to me, then I just can’t abide by it. 

So in that situation, If I was asked to repost on social media? Unfortunately, I can’t. I just can’t. And that’s when it becomes an issue. Me reposting means that I validate their standards and ethics and I cannot validate it because I don’t agree with that.

I would have to decline or just ignore the request altogether. And I’d rather avoid it because I’m just one of those people. I know that if I say it, I’ll be blunt, and it’s just not going to go down well. I’m doing my best to speak and try to be more diplomatic in my conversations. But it takes time. We’ll get there eventually. 

It’s so important that work ethic is correct. People adjust their professionalism, their work ethic, processes, and procedures. I know things happen with customer service here and there but they can be forgiven. However, if you’re selling a product, I don’t want a situation where I don’t like something and I can’t speak about it. I need to be able to know that I can come to you and say listen, I’m not happy with this.

I should be able to be comfortable saying that because if I had an issue with an Amazon product, I’m returning it but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable returning something to a friend. So some people have issues with those barriers as well which is why they would rather just not buy from a friend, they’d rather just give money to a friend than even buy, like a product from a friend. And that’s how it goes, to be honest, or they just buy a product and gift it to somebody else again, then actually buy and use it and have something bad to say about it.

friends and family Just Don’t Like you or Your Product

I think this needs just to be said and even though we think yes, there are some points I’ve mentioned, that make you think that we should have some more self-awareness, I still think there is something to be said for the malicious.

Yes, some people can have stuff going on but also sometimes you’ve got to look at it holistically and be like, well, maybe they just don’t like me. And if they don’t like me then why would they even support me? I’ll be very honest with you, some people have resentments already. Some people despise you.

Some people definitely just don’t like you and are just counting the days to your downfall. It happens honestly and there are people like that out there. But we can’t live our lives like that. Cowering in fear of these people who are waiting for our downfall. We just have to keep on keeping on and focus on what we are trying to achieve. 

What You Should do When Friends and Family Don’t Support Your Business

I really titled this podcast episode like this, because I know that some people are crestfallen when things happen, they get a bit like why me? I just want you to know that it could be many things. It really could be a number of things that can happen. But I need you to keep a few things in mind.

First of all, source your target market outside of your friends and family. Because for as long as you focus your target market and your customers on your friends and family, they will forever disappoint you.

Try and have your unique client be somebody that’s not your family member. Let it be a unique client, that is somebody else, and focus on that. So if your friends or family don’t support you, it’s not the end of the world. And if they do, it’s just the cherry on top. 

Secondly, work towards consistency and growth. I know that sometimes shit happens when we’re doing service and products. And this is why we’re trying to limit the number of things that can cause people not to support us, whether it’s family or friends, or even customers as a whole. Because no matter who it is, we just want good feedback overall.

And so we want as much constructive criticism. But we also want to work on it so that we have as much quality service and products that we provide, and that we are as consistent in what we give our customers and that we can continue to grow. And eventually, somebody out there will like what is on offer. 

Thirdly, let’s just remember that constructive criticism is key, and can be hard to take, especially from those closest to us. I always ask myself where their advice is coming from. I haven’t always been the most graceful with this approach in past. But you know, we live and we learn. 

Fourthly, no one really owes you anything. In the same way, you don’t owe anyone anything either. What I’ll say is this, let’s just try and focus on the wonderful things you’re creating.

And the reasons that you’re creating. You know, we all want to make money. it really can’t be all about that, can it? Otherwise, we will become lost and embittered and lose sight of the joy of when someone genuinely enjoys our product and services. 

Finally remember just like you, people are going through what they’re going through, and you don’t know what anyone else is going through right now. Everyone is putting up a brave face from the person who has cancer, to the single mom struggling with her children to the family who is scrambling to pay their bills. To those who have children with learning difficulties. Everyone has worries that are stressing them. So let’s just try and live in each other’s shoes sometimes. 

One thing that has helped me be more present with my and other people’s perspectives, and trying not to make assumptions is a tiny but powerful book called The Four Agreements: Practical Guide to Personal Freedom: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (Toltec Wisdom) by Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills

If you found any of this in any way interesting don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast.

Until the next post! Ciao!


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8 Things I Couldn’t Live Without During The Lockdown

Hi and Welcome back to Lolly’s Secrets!

You know… when we started this year, I could not have expected that we would face such a situation that would require the world to shut down on such a scale!

We had so many plans for 2020! I was going to apply for a new job, push the podcast, travel, all sorts of personal plans.

But this is where we have found ourselves and trust me when I say it has been so surreal. I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir because it’s not just my life that has gone topsy turvy… everyone has had to make drastic changes.

In the process… I have had to find ways to keep myself sane through this pandemic. It has been crazy but it has also been a blessing in disguise for me all at once.  I’m going to share 8 things that I couldn’t live without. Some, I’m sure you can agree with…others… well… They are just my little quirks…so just indulge me.

  1. Partner

I thank God every day that My my husband and I found each other. But even more so during this quarantine. I am a social being and when I moved to Ireland some 2 years ago, I struggled to make friends for some reason. I felt overwhelmed with so many new beginnings happening all at once. New husband, new country, new job, new everything! I was just trying to take it one day at a time and it was nice just having one constant that was familiar which was my husband.

This was the same again during the lockdown. We have made a few friends since then but as soon as we realised we couldn’t go anywhere and we were going to be in each other’s pockets, we were relieved.  We have already gotten so used to being so intertwined in each other’s space. And although this would be more so than usual what with Ja working from home, we knew it wouldn’t be as much of a shock to the system as it would be for some others.

Now, don’t get it twisted…we had some adjustment to make… there were a few rules we both had to put in place… I like talking loudly on the phone during the day whiles he’s supposed to be working…😅 and he all of a sudden can’t do anything by himself anymore ..” babe…can you help me do this…” 👀. So there were some things that had to change…and after some trial and error…we found our balance.

The important thing is that I wasn’t alone. I had someone to talk through my fears. Someone to cuddle with and to lift my spirits and vice versa. Someone to help scratch the itch too! People are no longer scared of STDs and STIs… they are scares of the RONA! I’m safe in the knowledge that we are stuck with each other and I’m happy with that.

Photo by Dilan NaGi on Unsplash

Photo by Dilan NaGi on Unsplash

2. Something To Do

I don’t think I am someone that can be idle. There’s a saying that the Devil makes work for idle thumbs. I completely agree! I used to say I wanted to be a lady of leisure..lool! I don’t think I could do that forever, to be honest. I think I could do that for a while. Travel the world, maybe shop and go for every single afternoon tea I could find.

8 Things I Couldn't Live Without During The Lockdown

When I was done with all that, then I would want to take all the money I had at my disposal and finally start one of the many business ideas I had in my head for ages and sink my teeth into them and see if I could actually do them.

Although I have been looking for a job, I still have my blog and podcast that I work hard at. For now, it is a hobby in the sense that it does not substitute an income for me. And I am ok with that. I enjoy creating content and learning how to bring it to my audience. I have learnt so many new things in the last few years and the joy is in the learning. 

I have so many things I want to do and my learning curve is so steep. Sometimes I feel like it will overwhelm me and other times I just close my mind to it all and only open it a crack to do the next available step so I don’t scare myself out of doing the work.

I am enjoying seeing this journey and wherever it goes, I’m happy to just see it through. It is constantly evolving and if I didn’t have this work during this lockdown period, I think I would have lost my mind slowly.

3. Sense of Extra Time

One of the key things this lockdown has provided me with is time. A key resource that we all take for granted. How many times have we wanted to do so many things but not had enough time in the day to do them? “I’ll start tomorrow” has been so many people’s story. 

I mentioned earlier that the more I want to do, the more I realise that I don’t know what I don’t know. So what I definitely know is that I need to learn more and more and I need time to learn and put that learning into action. I am only one person doing all this and I want to also be a good wife and run a good home.

More than ever Jay needs me to support him so that things are as efficient as possible for his work from home system. We have to play our parts as two parts of a very well oiled machine and I can not and will not disappoint.

I am also taking this time to get all those training in that I have left o the back burner. On black Friday, I bought a tonne of courses on the very cheap because many people did a lot of discounts for black Friday and I was happy I saved and waited for those deals. But I did not have the time to do the courses. I also bought courses at Christmas and even just when the lockdown began. But for the life of me, no time to start.

The weird thing about the lockdown is that it feels like everything has ground to a halt so I don’t feel like I’m chasing after everyone. So now that everyone is moving in slow motion, I feel like I can finally catch up and use this time to learn a few extra things that have been on the back burner. 

I have used this time to do about twelve different courses…maybe more! I’ve also read some well overdue nonfiction books I have had on my list like The subtle art of not giving a Fu*k. If you haven’t read just need to!

Taking advantage of this time has been so amazing and one of the best things I have done for myself.

4. Scenic Walks 

After long productive days being cooped up in each others space day in and day out, sometimes all you need is a long walk to clear your head, get the blood pumping, some fresh air and see some beautiful sights.

We live in Dun Laoghaire in Dublin, Ireland and we are close to the pier so it’s really nice to take a nice long walk down to the pier and back and have that cold air in your face to wake your brain up.

I’ll be very honest…I am always dragged kicking and screaming for these walks! Lol! But twenty minutes in, I am smiling and we enjoy a good chat.

8 Things I Couldn't Live Without During The Lockdown

I’m just cranky to change out of my comfy houseware into respectable clothes and face the Irish temperamental outdoors for the most part.

During summer its not so bad, I’m more amiable to going for walks! I promise! But honestly! The views are lovely….so calm, beautiful and peaceful!

Left to Jay, we would probably live by the sea.

5. Shopping/ Online Shopping

Listeeeen!!! I’m all about being frugal and being shrewd with my money. However!!! I do believe that there are times when you need to treat yourself!!! I tend to buy 1 token item for myself every month, comes out of my personal allowance. It can be as small as a hairbrush or a bag of popcorn or a special kitchen utensil I’ve had my eye on for a while.

My most recent purchase was a sleeve for my Kindle from Aliexpress. Everywhere else was trying to charge me upwards of €20 for a sleeve that I paid €4.30 for. Like I said… I’m not cheap, just shrewd. I wasn’t going anywhere or rushing anywhere…so I was happy to wait the 9 weeks for the item to arrive because of the lockdown. I had gone 3 months prior without a sleeve already.

8 Things I Couldn't Live Without During The Lockdown

I’m glad I waited because it was really nice. I had previously tried eBay and got something that was exactly like one I saw on Amazon and was freaked out. I actually got a refund for that one. Point is, sometimes retail therapy is needed!

6. Game Console

My brothers and I were big gamers back in the day. In fact, I met a serious boyfriend way back in the day via online gaming! Lol! So gaming is strong in the blood.

We bought a PS4 during Black Friday last year because we decided to tighten our spending and start spending more time indoors which means more entertainment indoors.

I don’t play every single game. I like hack and slash like Samurai Warriors and RPG like Diablo as my top tier games and the rest are time fillers. 

8 Things I couldn't Live Without During The Lockdown

I will admit to a slight addiction to Sims. I think its a game that has stayed with me from PC since I was in secondary school. It keeps coming back over time.

I’m just so happy we have it for entertainment because with all outside entertainment gone, at least we have this at our fingertips if we want.

Jay and I have had to find games to play together so no one is hugging the PS4. But now, we are struggling to find time to play games honestly. We need to use it as an incentive for ourselves for extremely good work.

8 Things I Couldn't Live Without During The Lockdown

7. Journal

My cousins got me a journal for my birthday which is a mix of a journal and a life planner all in one and I m kinda in love with it, to be honest. I get to purge some thoughts there but I also get to plan out my life. From my fitness goals to my business to my family to my relationship with my husband and how I want it all to evolve over the next one to ten years.

There are so many more categories to look at from finances to personal development to spiritual and a vision board on all the things you are trying to accomplish. I am always trying to align myself back to this to make sure I am on track for everything I have planned for myself.

8 Things I Couldn't Live Without During The Lockdown

I have written my core values down and I make sure That I am doing my best every day to not divert from it. I am a recovering people pleaser so this is something I have to work on and reminding myself on my core values and principles help me to stay strong and not deviate. Unfortunately, this may cause some friction with some people in my life but that’s what happens when you are in your season of growth. 

I’m loving all this introspection and I genuinely feel we all need to do a lot more of it so we can all grow together.

I believe that if I stay true to myself, I will continue to accomplish what I came to do. Weirdly deep al off a sudden but this is how I feel.

8. Friends and Family

Reaching out to family and friends in these times has been a lifesaver. As much as I love my husband to the ends of the earth, I need more than one person to satisfy my need for social engagement. My friends and family, far and wide have fulfilled that need. They are spread across so many countries since I have lived in different countries and have had friends and family from all over the world who have also moved countries as well.

It has been fun doing the zoom and skype calls for the catch-ups and the banter and knowing that you are not alone in this world-ending (feels like a world-ending) situation, makes it feel so much better.

8 Things I Couldn't Live Without During The Lockdown

All in all, the year could have been better (understatement of the year no? LOL) but i can still say that I have a few things that have not made it a total bust). 

The year isn’t over so let’s keep our fingers crossed that things will improve, shall we?

How about you? Are there things you couldn’t live without during this lockdown period? Were there things you were glad you had during this period?

Share in the comments below.

Thank you for reading the post and don’t forget to follow me on instagram for more up to date content.

Until the next post…..Ciao!


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Working on Your Support System – How do you know if your support system is working for you?

Hello and welcome to Lolly’s Secrets! 

Today we’ll be looking at working on your support system and what it takes to have a balanced system that has your back that keeps you going.


Your support system is supposed to be the people who provide you with your biggest support. Who are these people? And what kind of support are we talking about? So we are looking at your emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, and social support if possible.

In times when you’re down or when you’re happy, who do you go to? Who do you share your most difficult conversations with? Or your happiest times with? Where do you go when you need financial help? Who do you run to when you need to talk to someone? Who are the core people you go to when you need someone for anything? 

These are the people that we need to talk about. Those pillars that you need in times of real support. These are our foundations. And it’s important that your foundation is strong. And I feel that there isn’t enough significance being placed on this. 

If you do not analyze, check and make sure that these people are really supporting you the way you need them to, then what ends up happening is that you just don’t get the support that you need when you need it. 

Can you imagine having a house and one of the pillars is just not strong enough or two of the pillars aren’t strong enough? What then happens is that the house becomes shaky. I’m sure you know the story of the piggies and the big bad wolf. If the wolf comes and huffs and puffs, well, the house is gone. 

I want us to see what we can do to secure ourselves and make sure that those around us are also looking out for us as well. So the idea here is to make sure that those that are our immediate support are there for us at the times that we need them.


Who are we talking about when we say support system?

For the most part, these people tend to be our immediate family, our close friends, and our family friends.

In my experience, when something happens or anything goes terribly wrong between yourself and any of these people in your life, it generally has a domino effect on other aspects of your life. 

If you have issues with two or more people in your support system, it can have a big impact on other aspects of your life. It is therefore quite important that you secure your base before you step into the outside world, and to be honest, a lot of people’s support system isn’t that big, you’ll find that most people don’t even have more than five. And if they do, I don’t think many people can sustain more than ten.

You can imagine the imbalance in your system that can happen when there is friction between yourself and more than one of the people in your support system. And knowing this, it can be frustrating if your family is a big part of your support system. Imagine that you can’t choose who you call family. 

If you can’t choose them and you are not friends with them, or you are not necessarily close with them that would be very frustrating. You know, family is family. There’s nothing you can do about it. The best thing you can do is find ways to cohabit or, well…I’ll leave this part up to you. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe many people love their families. However,  you don’t get to choose them, you have to learn how to live with them. 

Learning each other’s idiosyncrasies, and all the beautiful things that make them who they are, you also learn how to deal with others in general. I got that little nugget from watching a Sunday service the other day on Day Star. However, one thing I’ll say is this, as much as you and your family might not always get along, so far as they’re supporting you the way you need them to, I think that’s all that really matters. 

The key is finding a way to get our support system to help us that benefits us as opposed to the way that they think is the right way.

How do we know if our support system is good for us? And how do we get them to support us in the best way that works for us? 

The first point I wanted us to look at is to reassess who we’re leaning on for support. This applies to various areas of our lives. We may be leaning on the wrong person for some type of support as they may not be capable of giving us what we need. Everyone is blessed with different resources and capacities and if we are more sensitive to this, it will make our lives much easier.

 I have some family members who are financially savvy but they are not particularly great with empathy. So I might go to them for financial advice but not necessarily for emotional support. 

But if you go to them crying about some kind of emotional situation, they’re not well equipped and they might panic and almost seem like they don’t care. Please be aware that it just isn’t their strength. They just are not equipped. They don’t have the capacity. So you have to understand that you might not be leaning on the right people for the right things. 

You just have to remember that you have to assess who you lean on for support. on various parts of your life, think about who you’re leaning on for different parts of your life. 

Sometimes, you might want to ask the same person for the same resource over and over again. If you’re asking someone repetitively for something, whether it be for emotional support, or financial support, or maybe every time you ask this person to go out with you, it’s not that they don’t want to go for drinks all the time anymore. 

Maybe they’ve changed. Maybe they can’t give you that same level of support anymore. Or maybe they’re no longer financially flush anymore. Maybe you might have to change the dynamic. 

Now you have to start thinking about these things. Life is always changing. So you have to start assessing or reassessing the dynamic and think of how the support they’re giving you might have to change and look for how else they can support you in that relationship and vice versa. 


Now, the second thing you have to look at is the priority level of the people in your support system. 

 You need to make sure that that person is supporting you as much as you’re supporting them. So Make sure that whatever level that you’re putting someone in your life, they are putting you in their life too. So as you’re reassessing who you’re leaning on for support, better, make sure that the person is also putting you on that level and is also making you important enough and putting in the work.

You cannot be putting work in for people who are not putting work in for you. That imbalance will cause you to feel unappreciated. Look, I’m going to be real with you. I’m a Christian, but my mama didn’t raise any fool. As much as we do things for love, every relationship is to some extent, transactional. 

This is why people feel that they’re taken for granted. If you were not expecting something, then you shouldn’t have felt that anything was missing. You might not have been expecting something tangible, but you were still expecting some kind of appreciation. 

So let’s be clear, you still want someone to appreciate you to a certain degree. So at least on that level, there’s some kind of social transaction going on. And so on that point, I will say just make sure that you’re getting what you need as a person and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to feel appreciated. I think it’s common decency. I think every human being has a right to feel appreciated. 


So the third point is, check to see if everyone is doing what they’re meant to be doing. So is everyone in your support system doing what they’re supposed to be doing? Run your diagnostics every so often to assess everyone and yourself! Everyone Is now supposed to be where there’s where they’re supposed to be. 

See if everyone’s pulling their weight and don’t forget you are supposed to be pulling your weight as well. If you find that anyone isn’t doing what they’re supposed to do, ensure you create a safe space and time to discuss this so that there is a chance to repair any hairline fractures.


Sometimes you find that with your support system you end up with people that all they want to do is speak to you but they just want to talk to you about their problems. You find that everybody uses everybody to lean on one another. But it’s a whole other thing when let’s say I call you and I just tell you everything that’s going on with me and I dump all my stuff on you and say thank you and then that’s it and I hang up. 

That’s just dumping like refuse as far as I’m concerned. And in the low time that you do get a chance to share, there’s no support. So nobody wants a dumper. Nobody wants to be used as refuse or even worse, the other people who are just leeches. They come to you and all they do is ask you for stuff. 

Either they are users and abusers. they use you for stuff or they ask you for money, and that’s all they do. 

When you see that you’re in an unhealthy dynamic, it might be time for a change. You will need to express to them that the behavior is no longer tolerated. So it is definitely time to start setting up boundaries. The next step would be to have a chat. Maybe it’s time to distance yourself from the unhealthy behavior. It depends on you. 

You’re the one who decides what you feel is best for you. I’ve seen people sit down and have a conversation. Sometimes conversation leads to a change in behavior. Sometimes it does lead to a change in behavior, but only for a short time because some people do find that they’re set in their ways. 

Sometimes the other party doesn’t care enough to change for a long period, they just make a change to appease the person because they were asked to. Whatever the case, it’s up to you what you decide. And to a certain degree, I believe it’s what you allow. I’ve started becoming more aware of the fact that it is what you allow. So you need to find your voice. And when you start setting boundaries for yourself, you become firm in your resolve and things start falling into place.


Not everyone is fortunate enough to have family around them for many reasons. Be it that they passed away or are not living in the same country. Some also have moved so many times or are starting their lives afresh for whatever reason.

If you find yourself in this situation and you want to create your group or further expand your network then you would need to find new people who will complete your support system. 

Especially if you’ve decided to set new boundaries and you’re removing certain people who are no longer part of your support system, it will mean that you can have a void In your group. Your foundation isn’t as strong anymore and you need to fill them up. 

In that case, you definitely need to find people to help you with those places that you’re lacking. So what you then need to do is find people who will help you with the support that you need for those areas of your life. 

The first place you can go to is meetup groups. They have been so helpful for my husband and me. So for example, if you need financial help, you don’t necessarily need to go to some uncle who probably doesn’t know a lot of stuff. But he just pretends that he does. Please let me know if you’ve had any of these experiences in the comments below!

 I’ve seen some of these before. These uncles tell you they know stuff and then you find yourself teaching them stuff. Um, anyway, please go join a meetup group. We’ve joined a financial independence group in Ireland here. And it’s been wonderful for us. We’ve been learning all kinds of things here and find that people are helpful with recommendations for resources. 

You can join meetup groups in your local area there, wherever you are, join the meetup, groups join all kinds of different places you can go to an activity-based club around you meet like-minded people, whatever it is that you need, join a group there. 

The second place you can go to if you need help with spiritual things, I just felt for example, when I needed spiritual guidance. I went back to church. I started going back to church again. And that was an extra boost for me. Whatever your spiritual beliefs, you can join the group. If you need to join yoga, if you need to join whatever your spirituality is, go there, join a group, go to a Bible study, or something like that. And that will help you in your spirituality. 

If you need some kind of emotional help. If you have a lot of baggage you feel you need to unpack, I would suggest speaking to a therapist, there is no shame in it. Some people don’t have the money to see a therapist. Some people just feel like they need to chat. I know that there’s a lot of these meetup groups where girls just sit around and talk about these things. 

You’d be surprised by a lot of women if you’re a nursing mom or stay-at-home mom, there are these “mommy and me” clubs. You’d be surprised about what the moms talk about. They certainly talk about their emotions and things that they’re going through. And you’ll find that you’ll be able to connect on a level about things that you’re also feeling and experiencing. 

The Facebook groups that I’ve joined are so inspiring, and really informative as well. A few of them are for social media management, entrepreneurs, blogging, and mothers and I joined them mainly because I wanted to inform myself on a lot of things they talked about regarding children and their health. 

People are pouring their hearts out there and this is just on Facebook, imagine what they talk about face to face. So join these groups, but if it’s just them in a book club, or a boating club, or whatever it is your activity-based clubs, join them, go to any one of them, anything that you can identify with, just immerse yourself in any of these communities. And I’m sure that there will be supportive and helpful like-minded people. 


Now, the final thing is that you just need to be aware that as you’re making these decisions about others, others are also making these decisions about you too. So try and be self-aware and be your own first assessor, and your number one critic. 

Check with your support system and be sure you’re doing your part to support them the way they need to be supported because as you are asking to be supported, they also need to be supported as well. And do it to the best of your ability and within the best of your capacity as well. 

Remember, it’s not just about money, the littlest things count, do what you can do to the best of your ability. And don’t forget, it’s also about continuous assessment. everyone’s life has changed and is always changing…the same way yours is. Be mindful of this and know that you have got to put in the work together.

The same way they’ve got to put in the work. Okay, so I hope this has been very helpful for you. It’s been very helpful for me, and this is why I’ve been putting in the work. 

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Until the next post! Ciao!